time and tide wait for no man...

my dear friend and i have decided to issue our own currency. no details as of yet, but it involves issuing vouchers for the use of painting my body. the increments will be in square centimeters, and the vouchers will be used as real currency.

but i think there is a much more needed commodity. time.
what if one could buy/sell/trade time?
blocks of time. minutes, hours, moments?

i would gladly trade off the next 18 days to someone who needed them more. think about it. i could jump right to the date of my cruise, and i could give those extra days to someone with a terminal illness.
or, could i buy back the moment that i told the vice president of my company that his wife was homely?
can i just skip ahead to my retirement? think what those added years could mean to a child with cancer.
could you hold on to a moment, like a savings account? save the moment that you are wrapped in your lovers arms? or your childs first giggle?
is some time more valuable than others? would i get a premium for selling off my Christmas day, as opposed to just selling november 29th?

time.
everyone that knows me, knows that i lack patience. i admit it, i have a dreadfully short attention span. i am easily amused, yet easily distracted.

why is time uppermost in my mind today? as i look back over the past couple years, i realize that the three passions in my life all asked for the same thing. time.

"i love you, but wait to see if my wife is going to divorce me, or keep me"
"i love you, but wait to see if my wife will die in an accident"
"wait to see if i will leave my abusive girlfriend."

yes lovi, you are second or third in my list of priorities. you are a nice girl, and if things don't work out with my first choice, then we might be able to get together. just wait.

when faced with these ultimatums, one might ask, "what's a girl to do?"
no one has the answer to that. i guess i either wait as patiently as i am capable of, or i move on.

patience. my greatest downfall. i listen patiently to these men tell me of their destructive relationships. i offer comfort, advice, and love. i hurt for them. every word i take to heart, i feel their pain. i live their discomfort. i am their whipping boy. i absorb it all. and unbeknownst to them, it slowly kills me.
here i am offering my advice to help them essentially rid themselves of me, so that their homelife will be peaceful and happy.

no, i am not a martyr. i am not being unselfish. i want them for myself. i love them. but i want them to find their happiness and peace of mind. in my heart, i want them to find it with me. but ultimately, it never is.

well, that's what is on my mind today.
i am working on the annual newsletter...you'll just have to wait.

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "tear me from the bone. tear me from myself. are you feeling happy? does it make you happy? are you feeling happy? are you fucking happy? now that i'm lost, left with nothing..."

running blind

it occurred to me that i have had this blog for over a year now, and i have never posted the lyrics to its namesake.
i guess i thought that if i aired my feelings, that i would no longer need to be 'running blind'.
guess i was wrong...

most of you all ready know them, but for those of you who don't...voila!

************************************

can’t find the answers
i’ve been crawling on my knees
looking for anything
to keep me from drowning
promises have been turned to lies
can’t even be honest inside
now I’m running backward
watching my life wave me goodbye

running blind
i’m running blind
somebody help me see i’m running blind

searching for nothing
wondering if i’ll change
i’m trying everything
but everything still stays the same
i thought if i showed you i could fly
wouldn’t need anyone by my side
now i’m running backward
with broken wings i know i’ll die

running blind
i’m running blind
somebody help me see i’m running blind
running blind
running blind
running blind

i can’t find the answers
i’ve been crawling on my knees
looking for anything
to keep me from drowning
i’m running blind
running blind
running blind

~godsmack

tis the season?

i don't know if i will be doing my Christmas newsletter this year, i may just 'blog it'. most of the recipients of the newsletter all ready read my blog. and those that don't...well i don't want them to know what's happening in my life anyhow.

let's start with thanksgiving. ugh.
the fiasco began about two weeks ago, when i announced to poo & her husband that i was spending the day/night with pilot, and wouldn't be here for thanksgiving dinner. which obviously meant that i wouldn't be cooking dinner, either. poo's husband went crazy. apparently, this is his most sacred of holiday's. he literally wiped his ass on my arm, threw stuff at me, and called me names. it wasn't pretty.
next, boo called (he had all ready stated previously that he couldn't make it home for the occasion, as he had to work) and said that the 'guys' had invited us to dinner at their home. as i don't need to meet pilot until 6:00 p.m., i accepted the invite. i know that the guys will outdo anything that martha stewart could even imagine!

in the meantime, poo has begun this stupid infatuation with a friend of theirs. she is absolutely obsessed with him (for anonymity sake, i will refer to him as *scumbag*). she wants to leave her husband and move in with me. naturally, i would never turn away one of my children (no matter how wrong i believe they are). i told her that the only condition was, no dogs. poo has 3 dogs, all of which weigh over 100 pounds. all of which are indoor pets. that would mean that i would have over 500 pounds of dogs living in my 700 sq.' house.
when she heard my condition, she got bitchy and hasn't spoke to me since.

on another angle, we (the guy's & i) decided to take a Christmas cruise next month. since poo wouldn't answer her telephone when i called to inquire if she wants to go, "B" took off from work, drove to her work and asked her about the cruise. she told him that she would call me that evening. later that night, she called to tell me that *scumbag* had to check his schedule to see if he could get off work to go on the cruise. ugh.

so, back to thanksgiving dinner....
poo says she will go, just to appease the guys. boo says that he will come home for the dinner only if i promise to have poo (who he now refers to as 'crazy poo')"baker acted" during the festivities at the guys house. should be interesting.

also, my cousin called and invited me to their house for dinner. after relating the story to him, i think he'll have me baker acted. i promised to go see him the following saturday.

in addition to all of this, my ex (#4) is coming to florida for thanksgiving. he wants to see me, too. he also wants me to "come back home" because he loves me and still wants me. he says i am ruining my life.

oh yeah, and here is an excerpt from a letter from another well known ex, that i received this week: "I choose to believe we aren't over, and that there are grounds to hope our best times, together, are yet to come. Sometimes I know it seems like I let your love go to waste, like dumping fine wine on the ground. But xxxx, precious xxxx, I see it. I see that your love is the rarest of gifts, not to be despised, not to be taken for granted but rather a love to celebrate, to hold in reverence, worthy of worship. I love you xxxx. I never stopped loving you. I never will."

does nobody care about how i feel? or where my heart is? or how easily words can hurt me? don't they realize that when someone opens up an old wound that it takes that much longer to heal?

where am i, you ask? hmmm, let's see.
i think that i am going to end the relationship with pilot this week. there are many reasons, as stated in my previous post. i don't think that the future is very promising with him, and i need more than he can offer. i went to my world class stylist last night, and he is insisting that i stuff some contraband into pilot's flightbag, then call the wife and tell all. wow, he really holds a grudge. he has hated pilot for months now.

mr. 11:30 has moved up significantly in my theoretical clock. still not holding my breath on this one, but he has continued to hold my attention (and that's quite a feat). God, he's sexy! ok...that's all i'll say on that matter.


please don't think that my life is as "cloudy" as this post seems. i am taking this all in stride, and still find the humour/irony in it all. i am certainly not unhappy, so don't worry about me.

**************************************************************

ok, how about some HAPPY news?

we are booking our cruise today! YAY! we depart dec. 16th from ft. lauderdale and go for 3 nights to freeport and back to ft. lauderdale. i can't wait! it's a good time for a vacation, and we all really need one!
of course, this means massive shopping now!

boo is doing so well in his classes, that he doesn't even need to take any finals this semester. i am so proud of him! he will come home for the cruise and stay until after the first of the year.

well, i guess that about does it for my thanksgiving-from-hell post. i'm gonna go stick my head in the oven with the turkey...

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day (yeah, it's me): "what drives you on, can drive you mad. a million lies to sell yourself, is all you ever had...don't believe in love, don't believe in hate, don't believe in anything..."

crossroads

as i mentioned before, i feel as though i am at a crossroad. but a simple crossroad puts it too mildly. only one intersection? nope. my life is more of clockwork of options/choices/decisions. let me start at 11:59, and work back from there.

with one minute left, is my boyfriend. his time is almost up. he loves me, and i know that he wants and needs me. but let's face it, he's married. he'll most likely always be married. and if he wasn't married, i don't think that i could keep him on a full-time basis. afterall, he is boring. he is way too old for me, his hobbies are playing bridge and golfing. ho hum. he won't allow me to smoke, drink or listen to my music. tick tick tick...

following very close behind him is doug. i know, i know. we broke up nearly a year ago. he and i remained 'friends' until a few weeks ago. he got caught calling me again. so he is returning to (and this is a direct quote from him) his "life sentence of desolation." he is really a non-issue here. there is no choice to be made. my feelings for him remain indifferent. however, i know that as long as i am living, there is always that chance of him returning into my life.

ok, at about 11:30, on my theoretical clock, is a new man. i work with him on the weekends. he is extremely handsome, single (nearly - he does have a psychotic, drunk girlfriend), funny, age appropriate, kinky and intelligent. we seem to have a great deal in common. and the flirting is outrageous fun. so, what's the problem with him? he's a no-show. he makes suggestions, he flirts shamelessly, he pushes all the right buttons. but when i call him on it, he backs down. basically, he is all talk, no action. which is fine, because he's probably a loser or a liar or married or something else. harmless flirting is one thing, but spineless innuendo is another. i'm not going to play his silly games anymore, so his time is almost up, too.

coming in at 11:05 is my soulmate. they say that everyone has a twin somewhere. he is mine. we even share the same birthday (11 years apart, but the same date). we think alike, act alot alike, love the same things. he is gorgeous, well mannered, intelligent. we have so much fun together. there is a true bond between us. i love him deeply. sounds ideal? yep, you guessed it...he's married. to another man, in fact. yes, this is my luck. i finally find my soulmate, and he's gay. oh well, not a problem. what decision could i need to make concerning him? he wants me to move to las vegas with him, in may. yep, sell everything, quit the shit jobs, and move to vegas. of all of my impending decisions, this is the most appealing right now. a fresh start. but vegas is so far away from everything i've ever known. not that florida holds any joy for me any longer. boo told me that if i move to vegas, he will not go with me. i told him that he could go to UNLV, but he won't. he insists on moving to NYC.

and, just in this weekend, coming in at 11:01...i met another man this weekend. he's a real cutie. very nice, and apparently he is enamored with me. uh...he's only 21 or so, though. i know, i know, i never let that stop me before! at least this one is older than one of my kids. and what would i need to decide about someone as new as this? it's complicated. one of poo's friends (and a very, very dear friend of mine - he is in many of the pics that i have posted in my yahoo photos) has a crush on me. he's even given me a few 'booty calls'. he's a sweetheart, and i love him. but i am not having sex (or a romantic relationship) with him. for God's sake, i am older than his mum. boo is older than he is. i just can't do it. so anyhow, if i decide to have a relationship with this new guy, my friend will be crushed. ugh...

then there is my timeless love. i cannot put him in my clock scheme. he isn't even in my time zone. he isn't even on the same continent as i am. but i love him. i will always love him. there is no decision to be made here. unless of course, if i follow through with my fantasy of selling everything and moving to tuscany, buying a donkey to ride to my grape-stomping job. a fresh start in a new world. then he and i would be on the same continent, different countries, but same continent.
i love you, oz! :*


add to this my newly re-destroyed house (thanks wilma, you bitch), my job that i detest, my other job that pays nothing, chronic insomnia, and an overall sense of 'i-just-don't-give-a-shit-anymore' attitude, and you have my life right now.


i just wanna go to sleep now...

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "lets go home and get stoned, we could end up makin love instead of misery. go home and get stoned, cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me. you wear me out."

random thoughts 2.0

i don't have much to say today.

i did get my electricity turned on by halloween. so, that was a good thing.

i had a great visit with my pilot this past week. that was a good thing.

poo's husband is very mad at me right now. i announced that i would be spending thanksgiving day with pilot. apparently, that is his most cherished holiday.
he'll just have to get over it.

i have a lot of issues going on in my life right now. quite complicated, to say the least. i have about five different people pulling me in five different directions. with a nod towards a 'new' friend of mine...i am at a crossroad.
i have a lot to consider, and i am losing sleep over it.
sometimes, i wish there was someone who would just take over my life, and tell me what to do. i don't like making decisions.

hmmm, i guess no one ever said it was gonna be easy.

the boys want me to move to las vegas with them in may.
another decision to ponder...

i'm gonna go crawl under a rock now...

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "all you read and wear or see and hear on tv is a product begging for your fatass dirty dollar"