ta ta 2005!

what a year! whew! it was definitely a notable one. and it ends on a high note!

my dear mr."W", despite your pleas for a gay-pilot theme, i have decided not to do my newsletter. sorry. but, for the record i did state that this blog would replace it.
just me

i know that i did quite a bit of ranting and bitching this past year, but all in all, i had a lot of fun.

i guess i should dive right into the juicy details of our Christmas cruise...
this cruise was even more fun than our first cruise (in february). it started the minute we began boarding.
because of the patriot act, security is extremely tight. we had to show passports and/or birth certificates to board. well, poo's birth certificate has a different last name than her drivers license (coz she's married...duh). therefore, she had to show her marriage certificate, too. while she was digging for it, boo yells to her, "you know that ain't you! your real name is Boquita from bogata."
yep, they almost didn't let her on!
of course i was flirting with all of the crew. oh my God, italian seamen are freakin' HOT!!! the boys and i were drooling the entire time (so was Boquita).
*ask me about the captain sometime!*

not liking her new moniker, Boquita promptly changed her name to Esmeralda Villa Lobos (from Pulp Fiction), and named me Anastasia Beaverhausen (from Will & Grace). for the entire cruise, she/we introduced ourselves as that. when boo made fun of us, we said "shut up Jesus Villa Lobos-Beaverhausen!"

we did pretty much the same stuff on this cruise that we do on every other adventure, drink, gamble and chase men. i lost about $900 in the casinos this time. UGH!

i gave each of the kids a camera, with orders to take lots of pictures of our friends (for a Christmas gift to them). unfortunately, they got drunk and took pics of themselves all night at the disco. however, alot of pretty good shots were taken...drunk and disorderly on the high seas

ok, i am gonna publish this post unfinished for now. i have to get outta here and i have too much more to talk about (birthday party, Christmas, etc).

so...check back soon for more....

***********************************

ok, on to the best birthday party of the year!
Poo, Boo & "C" put together what was supposed to be a surprise party at the gaybar gaybar for "B" & me. (both of our birthdays are on december 24th). the surprise was ruined, but we still had a great time!
so...december 23rd we all met at the bar. there were decorations and noisemakers and lotsa drinks!
the birthday cake even had a beaver on it with the name Anastasia Beaverhausen below it. yes, the name took up the entire width of the cake!
we partied and danced til about 4:00 a.m.
it was great fun! happy birthday to us!

naturally, i was still hungover for Christmas...UGH!
one thing that was very special to me, poo & boo put together a comprehensive scrapbook of the year 2005.
we were supposed to meet up with the boys at the bar Christmas night, but we were to full and sleepy. it was our one year anniversary of meeting the 'gang'.

for new years eve, i will be in melbourne, and poo is driving to tampa to party with boo.

well, that is all for this year!
i hope yours was as good as mine!
i hope that 2006 will be even happier for us all!

joyously,
~Luv

song lyric of the day: "all i can say is that my life is pretty plain. i like watchin' the puddles gather rain..."

go with the flow

i am tired.
i am tired of other people having the capacity to alter my life, my thinking, my space.
i am tired of waiting for men to come into my life.
i am tired of waiting for the men all ready in my life.
i am tired of carrying around a phone, that never rings.
i am tired of fighting for what should come naturally.
i am tired of hiding my life from everyone.
i am tired of faking support, encouragement and/or optimism.
i am tired of bearing everyone's burdens.
i am tired of men who are so insecure with their own sexuality, that they run away when they discover that boo is gay, and that most of my friends are gay.
trust me, it's not contagious. it even went as far as one man telling me that it's entirely my fault that he is gay. i don't believe that someone's sexuality should ever be considered a "fault".
i am tired of my son-in-law coming to me when he needs something, then being mean to me when he doesn't.
i am tired of coming into work and smelling cat shit all day.
i guess that one needs an explanation...
about 6 weeks ago, someone dropped off 2 sickly little kittens at our lab. they were only a few days old. so, the girl who works for me, tended to them, bottle fed them, and basically saved them. the problem is, now she won't do anything else. she blames our company for the lack of judgment involving these monsters. she brings them to work daily, and lets them run free in the lab. they shit everywhere. they stink. their food stinks. their crap stinks. she does no work, whatsoever...just plays with her babies.
i am sick of smelling like cat shit.

i want to tell myself to just let go. to just go with the flow.
it isn't so easy to do that, though. not when the demons in my head (heart?) demand something more.
there has to be something out there for me.

yes, i broke up with pilot. i did it the day after thanksgiving. and for the record, if he had treated me like he did on that day, for the past 8 months, i would have waited for him forever. he was loving, open, vulnerable. he cried. normally, i detest men crying, but this was something deep within him.

so then, what is out there for me. i don't have a crystal ball. i don't have anything. should i continue on blind faith?

someone told me last night, that she was proud of me. that i am her role model. that throughout my life, i never gave up, i was strong throughout all of my heartbreaks. i wanted to tell her that i wasn't strong. i am not strong, and never wanted to be strong.
i only made it through because God just wouldn't let me die.

i guess i am mostly just tired of being alone.

~luv

song lyric of the day: "i want something good to die for. to make it beautiful to live."