independence day

i know, i hear you.
it's been two months since i blogged.

i'm not sure just how much i have to say right now. i mean, i have tons of stuff going on, but very little that i'd want to elaborate on.
kinda my own private hell.

where to begin?
since independence day is tomorrow, i guess i will begin with my independence from pilot.
two weeks ago, we officially ended it. it was fully my decision, and i am ok with it. it has been a rough year, and i am more relieved than hurt. last word from him was that he will be staying with his wife. poor woman.

i guess what i miss most is having someone say 'i love you' to me. kinda fills me with a dark emptiness.
it's so odd. i know what i want, i know what i need. i just don't know how to find it, or keep it once i get it.

a wise man told me that my perception of 'happily ever after' is just a fantasy. it doesn't exist. he told me that once a woman gets the "man of her dreams", she promptly tries to change him into someone else. therefore, no longer the "man of her dreams". i believe the words went something like this, "at first it is all fun and flirting, until she chips away all of the bad (boring?) stuff, til there's nothing left". in all fairness, i am most likely guilty of this offense. but i am of the opinion that it usually happens in the reverse for me.

men take me. they love the way that i love them, worship even. they love how i make them feel, and the extent that i will go to please them. but it is never enough. i build them up, and they believe that they can find better than me. it's ironic that once they feel so good about themselves, they see me as flawed.

yeah, i live in a fantasy world. but without that, i'd have no hope. and without hope, well...you know.

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my daughter is in deep trouble. financial, emotional and legal. i can't help her anymore, and i feel so helpless.

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my son is home for the summer. in august we will be taking him to new york city for school. i am so proud of him, yet dying inside. he is my strength. but you all knew that.

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we are in the process of moving the guys into their new home. it is spectacular! they are building a milf-in-law suite/cabana for me. my house is still up for sale, but since there is no more pilot, there is no plans to relocate to atlanta.

the guys and i have taken up the great sport of golf. it is a comedy of errors. we have lots of fun (and beers), but we really suck! golfing tards

oh, did i mention 'gay days' in orlando? first weekend in june, we were there! what a great time. i got to meet Taylor Dane <--- washed up disco queen. she looks rode hard & put up wet!
i also met the nicest guy. his (stage) name is , Ashton Ryan and he is a gay porn star. and the sweetest guy ever! he called me milf all night. we are meeting up with him this month, when he comes back in town.

i'll update you all on travel plans later.

it's late, and i am tired.
i don't think i have ever been so tired. i'm tired of it all.

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "never did i want to be here again, and i don't remember why i came"