Tuesday, December 06, 2005

go with the flow

i am tired.
i am tired of other people having the capacity to alter my life, my thinking, my space.
i am tired of waiting for men to come into my life.
i am tired of waiting for the men all ready in my life.
i am tired of carrying around a phone, that never rings.
i am tired of fighting for what should come naturally.
i am tired of hiding my life from everyone.
i am tired of faking support, encouragement and/or optimism.
i am tired of bearing everyone's burdens.
i am tired of men who are so insecure with their own sexuality, that they run away when they discover that boo is gay, and that most of my friends are gay.
trust me, it's not contagious. it even went as far as one man telling me that it's entirely my fault that he is gay. i don't believe that someone's sexuality should ever be considered a "fault".
i am tired of my son-in-law coming to me when he needs something, then being mean to me when he doesn't.
i am tired of coming into work and smelling cat shit all day.
i guess that one needs an explanation...
about 6 weeks ago, someone dropped off 2 sickly little kittens at our lab. they were only a few days old. so, the girl who works for me, tended to them, bottle fed them, and basically saved them. the problem is, now she won't do anything else. she blames our company for the lack of judgment involving these monsters. she brings them to work daily, and lets them run free in the lab. they shit everywhere. they stink. their food stinks. their crap stinks. she does no work, whatsoever...just plays with her babies.
i am sick of smelling like cat shit.

i want to tell myself to just let go. to just go with the flow.
it isn't so easy to do that, though. not when the demons in my head (heart?) demand something more.
there has to be something out there for me.

yes, i broke up with pilot. i did it the day after thanksgiving. and for the record, if he had treated me like he did on that day, for the past 8 months, i would have waited for him forever. he was loving, open, vulnerable. he cried. normally, i detest men crying, but this was something deep within him.

so then, what is out there for me. i don't have a crystal ball. i don't have anything. should i continue on blind faith?

someone told me last night, that she was proud of me. that i am her role model. that throughout my life, i never gave up, i was strong throughout all of my heartbreaks. i wanted to tell her that i wasn't strong. i am not strong, and never wanted to be strong.
i only made it through because God just wouldn't let me die.

i guess i am mostly just tired of being alone.


song lyric of the day: "i want something good to die for. to make it beautiful to live."


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