Monday, November 14, 2005


as i mentioned before, i feel as though i am at a crossroad. but a simple crossroad puts it too mildly. only one intersection? nope. my life is more of clockwork of options/choices/decisions. let me start at 11:59, and work back from there.

with one minute left, is my boyfriend. his time is almost up. he loves me, and i know that he wants and needs me. but let's face it, he's married. he'll most likely always be married. and if he wasn't married, i don't think that i could keep him on a full-time basis. afterall, he is boring. he is way too old for me, his hobbies are playing bridge and golfing. ho hum. he won't allow me to smoke, drink or listen to my music. tick tick tick...

following very close behind him is doug. i know, i know. we broke up nearly a year ago. he and i remained 'friends' until a few weeks ago. he got caught calling me again. so he is returning to (and this is a direct quote from him) his "life sentence of desolation." he is really a non-issue here. there is no choice to be made. my feelings for him remain indifferent. however, i know that as long as i am living, there is always that chance of him returning into my life.

ok, at about 11:30, on my theoretical clock, is a new man. i work with him on the weekends. he is extremely handsome, single (nearly - he does have a psychotic, drunk girlfriend), funny, age appropriate, kinky and intelligent. we seem to have a great deal in common. and the flirting is outrageous fun. so, what's the problem with him? he's a no-show. he makes suggestions, he flirts shamelessly, he pushes all the right buttons. but when i call him on it, he backs down. basically, he is all talk, no action. which is fine, because he's probably a loser or a liar or married or something else. harmless flirting is one thing, but spineless innuendo is another. i'm not going to play his silly games anymore, so his time is almost up, too.

coming in at 11:05 is my soulmate. they say that everyone has a twin somewhere. he is mine. we even share the same birthday (11 years apart, but the same date). we think alike, act alot alike, love the same things. he is gorgeous, well mannered, intelligent. we have so much fun together. there is a true bond between us. i love him deeply. sounds ideal? yep, you guessed it...he's married. to another man, in fact. yes, this is my luck. i finally find my soulmate, and he's gay. oh well, not a problem. what decision could i need to make concerning him? he wants me to move to las vegas with him, in may. yep, sell everything, quit the shit jobs, and move to vegas. of all of my impending decisions, this is the most appealing right now. a fresh start. but vegas is so far away from everything i've ever known. not that florida holds any joy for me any longer. boo told me that if i move to vegas, he will not go with me. i told him that he could go to UNLV, but he won't. he insists on moving to NYC.

and, just in this weekend, coming in at 11:01...i met another man this weekend. he's a real cutie. very nice, and apparently he is enamored with me. uh...he's only 21 or so, though. i know, i know, i never let that stop me before! at least this one is older than one of my kids. and what would i need to decide about someone as new as this? it's complicated. one of poo's friends (and a very, very dear friend of mine - he is in many of the pics that i have posted in my yahoo photos) has a crush on me. he's even given me a few 'booty calls'. he's a sweetheart, and i love him. but i am not having sex (or a romantic relationship) with him. for God's sake, i am older than his mum. boo is older than he is. i just can't do it. so anyhow, if i decide to have a relationship with this new guy, my friend will be crushed. ugh...

then there is my timeless love. i cannot put him in my clock scheme. he isn't even in my time zone. he isn't even on the same continent as i am. but i love him. i will always love him. there is no decision to be made here. unless of course, if i follow through with my fantasy of selling everything and moving to tuscany, buying a donkey to ride to my grape-stomping job. a fresh start in a new world. then he and i would be on the same continent, different countries, but same continent.
i love you, oz! :*

add to this my newly re-destroyed house (thanks wilma, you bitch), my job that i detest, my other job that pays nothing, chronic insomnia, and an overall sense of 'i-just-don't-give-a-shit-anymore' attitude, and you have my life right now.

i just wanna go to sleep now...


song lyric of the day: "lets go home and get stoned, we could end up makin love instead of misery. go home and get stoned, cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me. you wear me out."


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