resurrection

ok, all of you who'd thought i died, raise your hand.

no. i am not dead. i began blogging on another site that i will not share with you.
however, feeling terribly benevolent today, i thought that i would cut and paste all of my blogs from there to here. minus any incriminating evidence and any comments.

for those of you that write to me, please PLEASE use my yahoo account. bellsouth does not work on either of my computers. if you need my yahoo address, leave a comment here and i will email you.

yes, i miss you all terribly. and i hope that i will see you soon.

xxxoooxxx,
~luv

independence day

i know, i hear you.
it's been two months since i blogged.

i'm not sure just how much i have to say right now. i mean, i have tons of stuff going on, but very little that i'd want to elaborate on.
kinda my own private hell.

where to begin?
since independence day is tomorrow, i guess i will begin with my independence from pilot.
two weeks ago, we officially ended it. it was fully my decision, and i am ok with it. it has been a rough year, and i am more relieved than hurt. last word from him was that he will be staying with his wife. poor woman.

i guess what i miss most is having someone say 'i love you' to me. kinda fills me with a dark emptiness.
it's so odd. i know what i want, i know what i need. i just don't know how to find it, or keep it once i get it.

a wise man told me that my perception of 'happily ever after' is just a fantasy. it doesn't exist. he told me that once a woman gets the "man of her dreams", she promptly tries to change him into someone else. therefore, no longer the "man of her dreams". i believe the words went something like this, "at first it is all fun and flirting, until she chips away all of the bad (boring?) stuff, til there's nothing left". in all fairness, i am most likely guilty of this offense. but i am of the opinion that it usually happens in the reverse for me.

men take me. they love the way that i love them, worship even. they love how i make them feel, and the extent that i will go to please them. but it is never enough. i build them up, and they believe that they can find better than me. it's ironic that once they feel so good about themselves, they see me as flawed.

yeah, i live in a fantasy world. but without that, i'd have no hope. and without hope, well...you know.

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my daughter is in deep trouble. financial, emotional and legal. i can't help her anymore, and i feel so helpless.

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my son is home for the summer. in august we will be taking him to new york city for school. i am so proud of him, yet dying inside. he is my strength. but you all knew that.

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we are in the process of moving the guys into their new home. it is spectacular! they are building a milf-in-law suite/cabana for me. my house is still up for sale, but since there is no more pilot, there is no plans to relocate to atlanta.

the guys and i have taken up the great sport of golf. it is a comedy of errors. we have lots of fun (and beers), but we really suck! golfing tards

oh, did i mention 'gay days' in orlando? first weekend in june, we were there! what a great time. i got to meet Taylor Dane <--- washed up disco queen. she looks rode hard & put up wet!
i also met the nicest guy. his (stage) name is , Ashton Ryan and he is a gay porn star. and the sweetest guy ever! he called me milf all night. we are meeting up with him this month, when he comes back in town.

i'll update you all on travel plans later.

it's late, and i am tired.
i don't think i have ever been so tired. i'm tired of it all.

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "never did i want to be here again, and i don't remember why i came"

weenies in the city

yes, i'm back from new york.
what a trip! i am officially in love with that city! we had a blast!

i'll start from the beginning...

thursday morning, i got up at 2 a.m., as i had to leave for the airport before 4:00.
our flight was pretty uneventful, arriving at JFK by 9:00. Boo flew out of tampa and met us there.
the city is enormous! i was stunned. we checked into our hotel and left for 5th avenue. i shopped like i had money! i went to louis vuitton, prada, tiffany, and of course...MANOLO BLAHNIK!!! while waiting outside of trump tower, i saw 'the donald'! we even made eye contact. we went to every store imaginable! around noonish, we became exhausted. we made our way back to the hotel.
we shared a suite. the guys shared the bedroom, and i was to share the pullout sofa with "L". well..."L" weighs in at close to 300lbs. we tried to take a nap, but the sofa bed just wasn't made for 4 people. after that i declared that i would spend the rest of the weekend sleeping on the floor.
anyhow, we got up and got ready for our first show. we saw Spamalot. it is hysterical! i laughed until my sides hurt! afterwards, we had a great dinner in times square. i had my first truly new york cosmopolitan! yummy!
back to the hotel by midnight, i took my sleeping pill, and curled up on the floor exhausted. at around 4:30 a.m., "L" started yelling my name. she heard a 'noise' in the bathroom (which happened to be right beside the bed that SHE was fucking sleeping in!). i got up, checked the bathroom, nothing. naturally, i never went back to sleep. bitch!
friday morning, breakfast at the deli, then chinatown! wahoo! chinatown is absolutely crazy! they grab you and offer all kinds of stuff. "hey lady, we got loius vuitton, prada, gucci bags". so i followed one of them to look for a prada for Poo. the shop was filled with yukky bags. i was disappointed, to say the least. then the little chinese girl looked around covertly, and opened up a tiny hole in the back wall of the store. inside a closet-like space was hundreds of designer purses! it was so cool! i stocked up on prada, fendi and chanel while in chinatown. the guys bought two gorgeous movado watches there.
by the way, i didn't take any pictures in chinatown, i was afraid to.
from there, it is a short walk to 'little italy'. good thing my diet was on vacation, too! we ate like hostages! we didn't shop, just ate!
afterwards, we had to get ready for the matinee of Lestat. good show, great music. afterwards, we met the cast and got autographs. sweet!
friday evening, the guys had tickets to "the wedding singer", but we didn't. so, Boo & i went shopping at 'barneys new york'. unfortunately, we got there at 7:30, and they close at 8:00. oh well...their prices made bloomingdales seem like wal-mart!
after barneys closed, Boo made me take a walk in central park. i was terrified (too many episodes of law & order, i guess). but from there, we went to the top of the empire state building. that was really cool, too! after that, cheesecake and drinks near our hotel. then back to my bed upon the floor.
after finally getting a full nights sleep, Bri and i woke up early saturday morning and left everyone else to sleep. we went to every porn shop on 8th avenue, and then over to 6th ave, and hit some of them! from there, we walked to macy's, but they weren't open yet (still before 10 a.m.). so, we took a taxi to 'ground zero'. wow, what a solomn place. it really gets to you. from there, we walked all over. we were in "tribeca" and the tribeca film festival had just started that week. i swear that i saw robert deniro on the street, and he smiled and winked at me!
from tribeca, we walked to chinatown, where everyone else finally met up with us. again, we ate in little italy.
by that time, we had to rush to make it to the matinee of Ave Q. this was easily the funniest show i'd ever seen! (at least up to that point in my life...little did i know what was in store for me that night!). again, we met all of the stars and got autographs.
and again, we ate afterwards. (did i mention that i gained six pounds while in NYC?)

from ave q, we went back to times square and shopped some more. i bought a few tool cd's at the 'virgin megastore'. bri made the comment that i had bought enough 'tools' that day (from our porn shop adventure).

saturday night was the grand finale. we went to see an off-broadway production of Naked Boys Singing. and yes, they are butt naked! the guys managed to get me front row, center. i was dying of embarassment! one naked boy did an opened leg knee slide right in my face. the songs were hilarious! among the songs were, 'i beat my meat' and the weiner song. i laughed until i cried.

sunday morning i got up early and flew home. i cried half way to the airport.
it was a great vacation, a terrific city and i wanna go back!

oh yeah, i almost forgot...weiners in NYC!

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "i haven't slept a single night in over a month. and not even once did you start to make sense to me. well maybe i'm a little bit slow, or just consistently inconsistent."

I <3 NY

i'm off.
i am leaving for new york city at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning (april 27th)! staying for 3 nights.
it is me & boo & the guys & one other girl.

hopefully i will be in a better mood after this trip, and i will give you all the details and pictures!

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "start spreadin' the news..."

faithless

i have come to the conclusion that there is no god. there. i said it. no lightening bolts (yet).
i feel that i have wasted an inordinate amount of my life, my time, my energy praying to some unknown entity that doesn't exist.
are prayers ever answered? no.
one can explain everything away with either coincidence or by justifying the occurance.
there is no god. there is no help from above. it's just life. no one gets rewarded for being good or kind or "pure of heart". just as no one really suffers when they are evil through and through.

life is life. that's it. nothing more, nothing less. you only have yourself to blame or thank, for whatever happens to you.

yeah, i'm in a pretty bad place right now. and what's worse is, no one can help me.

~L

song lyric of the day: "jesus christ, why don't you come save my life, now open my eyes, blind me with your light, now jesus christ, why don't you come save my life, now open my eyes, blind me with your lies, now"

are you a loser too?

i am

song lyric of the day: "anal seepage...ah no!" CLICK ME!!!

what the heck

i really don't have much to say. ok, so i skipped the entire month of february...big deal.
i am in transition mode. i am in limbo, or purgatory, or whatever you wish to call it.
i stopped smoking (yes, again) cold turkey, on february 20th. i still want to kill someone, so i must not be through the nasty phase yet.
lets see...what's new...?
well, mid february i flew to atlanta to see pilot. he took me to the local dungeon. i could have died!!!! the dungeon is the exact same place where we used to take environmental samples for hickson. the place used to be call 'law & company'. now it's a dungeon. go figure.
also, i just returned from 3 days in miami with pilot. he was down there training for a new jet.
he keeps telling me that he is going to leave his wife. he has to complete his new training, then he has to wait until she calms down enough to not take him for everything he's got, then he will just end it 'amicably'.
yeah, this is realistic...

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in my last post, i alluded to the fact that i was keeping a secret. ok, many secrets.
i will share one with you now. i am doing this because i want/need your input.
ok, here goes...
i am starting up my own business. i am becoming a professional corporate concierge.
i still don't have a really good name for the business, so send some my way, ok?
i won't go into the boring details, but i am well upon my way.

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vacation alert...
we are about 8 weeks away from our trip to new york city. i've never been, so i am really excited. so far we have tickets to see 'spamalot' and 'lestat' on broadway. this is going to be a great trip!

all right, you're lucky that you got this much outta me today. more later...

~luv

song lyric of the day: "blend and balance, pain and comfort, deep within you, till you will not have me any other way"