Friday, January 28, 2005

valentines day rant

everywhere i look i see valentines day crap. i am being bombarded with it! what a stupid day. hallmark invented this delusional holiday just to sell crap. "if you love her/him, spend lots of money and effort to show them"....UGH!

ok, i may be a little bitter. last valentines day, ODCface got me a gold chain with a lobster pendant on it. the lobster signified that we would be together forever.
*sidenote here...on an old episode of 'friends', phoebe proclaimed that lobsters mate for life.*
the card that came with my lobster was signed "you complete me. forever, your doug".
forever? not quite. only if forever meant until i found out about his other girlfriends. or until his wife found out about me.

so i am thinking. i have no lobster this year. no prospects of finding my lobster. my lobster was probably never even born. i have come to terms with this. i am doing just fine on my own.

but i need to rid myself of the bitterness that i hold onto from ODCface. everyone says to find the good that came from any relationship, forget the bad. how do you forget the 'bad' when the entire relationship was lies? i wasn't his lobster. i didn't complete him. if i *did* complete him, why did he need a wife and six other girlfriends?

what did i get from sixteen months of lies? well, lets add this up....
i did discover my sexual 'kinks' with him. at least with that knowledge, i know what i do need in a partner.
he did pay for my eye surgery, so i have a lifetime of good eyesight.
he did give me pearls, that i promptly exchanged for diamonds. and i really do like diamonds.
he did pay for my emergency plane ticket to pennsylvania when my aunt died.
he did take me on business trips with him, which was fun (i love to travel).
he did try to get me hired on at omnipay/e-gold with a much better income (but that failed).
he did give me money after the hurricanes, to get back on my feet again.
he did buy me numerous books. ok, they were all bondage related, but the good intention was there.
he did trust me with all of the dirty little secrets of e-gold, and just how corrupt they are.
he did teach me to never ever trust a man again.
he did teach me to never fall in love again.
he did teach me that true love, true romantic love, doesn't exist.

ok, i guess i am still bitter.
i am still hurting.

and fucking hallmark and their valentines day shit, well, they just plain suck.

rant over.

song lyric of the day:
"i push my fingers into my eyes. it's the only thing that slowly stops the ache."


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