running blind

resurrection

2006-11-15T11:45:00.000-05:00

ok, all of you who'd thought i died, raise your hand.

no. i am not dead. i began blogging on another site that i will not share with you.
however, feeling terribly benevolent today, i thought that i would cut and paste all of my blogs from there to here. minus any incriminating evidence and any comments.

for those of you that write to me, please PLEASE use my yahoo account. bellsouth does not work on either of my computers. if you need my yahoo address, leave a comment here and i will email you.

yes, i miss you all terribly. and i hope that i will see you soon.

xxxoooxxx,
~luv

independence day

2006-07-03T20:22:00.000-05:00

i know, i hear you.
it's been two months since i blogged.

i'm not sure just how much i have to say right now. i mean, i have tons of stuff going on, but very little that i'd want to elaborate on.
kinda my own private hell.

where to begin?
since independence day is tomorrow, i guess i will begin with my independence from pilot.
two weeks ago, we officially ended it. it was fully my decision, and i am ok with it. it has been a rough year, and i am more relieved than hurt. last word from him was that he will be staying with his wife. poor woman.

i guess what i miss most is having someone say 'i love you' to me. kinda fills me with a dark emptiness.
it's so odd. i know what i want, i know what i need. i just don't know how to find it, or keep it once i get it.

a wise man told me that my perception of 'happily ever after' is just a fantasy. it doesn't exist. he told me that once a woman gets the "man of her dreams", she promptly tries to change him into someone else. therefore, no longer the "man of her dreams". i believe the words went something like this, "at first it is all fun and flirting, until she chips away all of the bad (boring?) stuff, til there's nothing left". in all fairness, i am most likely guilty of this offense. but i am of the opinion that it usually happens in the reverse for me.

men take me. they love the way that i love them, worship even. they love how i make them feel, and the extent that i will go to please them. but it is never enough. i build them up, and they believe that they can find better than me. it's ironic that once they feel so good about themselves, they see me as flawed.

yeah, i live in a fantasy world. but without that, i'd have no hope. and without hope, well...you know.

*********************************************

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my daughter is in deep trouble. financial, emotional and legal. i can't help her anymore, and i feel so helpless.

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my son is home for the summer. in august we will be taking him to new york city for school. i am so proud of him, yet dying inside. he is my strength. but you all knew that.

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we are in the process of moving the guys into their new home. it is spectacular! they are building a milf-in-law suite/cabana for me. my house is still up for sale, but since there is no more pilot, there is no plans to relocate to atlanta.

the guys and i have taken up the great sport of golf. it is a comedy of errors. we have lots of fun (and beers), but we really suck! golfing tards

oh, did i mention 'gay days' in orlando? first weekend in june, we were there! what a great time. i got to meet Taylor Dane <--- washed up disco queen. she looks rode hard & put up wet!
i also met the nicest guy. his (stage) name is , Ashton Ryan and he is a gay porn star. and the sweetest guy ever! he called me milf all night. we are meeting up with him this month, when he comes back in town.

i'll update you all on travel plans later.

it's late, and i am tired.
i don't think i have ever been so tired. i'm tired of it all.

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "never did i want to be here again, and i don't remember why i came"

weenies in the city

2006-05-04T09:14:00.000-05:00

yes, i'm back from new york.
what a trip! i am officially in love with that city! we had a blast!

i'll start from the beginning...

thursday morning, i got up at 2 a.m., as i had to leave for the airport before 4:00.
our flight was pretty uneventful, arriving at JFK by 9:00. Boo flew out of tampa and met us there.
the city is enormous! i was stunned. we checked into our hotel and left for 5th avenue. i shopped like i had money! i went to louis vuitton, prada, tiffany, and of course...MANOLO BLAHNIK!!! while waiting outside of trump tower, i saw 'the donald'! we even made eye contact. we went to every store imaginable! around noonish, we became exhausted. we made our way back to the hotel.
we shared a suite. the guys shared the bedroom, and i was to share the pullout sofa with "L". well..."L" weighs in at close to 300lbs. we tried to take a nap, but the sofa bed just wasn't made for 4 people. after that i declared that i would spend the rest of the weekend sleeping on the floor.
anyhow, we got up and got ready for our first show. we saw Spamalot. it is hysterical! i laughed until my sides hurt! afterwards, we had a great dinner in times square. i had my first truly new york cosmopolitan! yummy!
back to the hotel by midnight, i took my sleeping pill, and curled up on the floor exhausted. at around 4:30 a.m., "L" started yelling my name. she heard a 'noise' in the bathroom (which happened to be right beside the bed that SHE was fucking sleeping in!). i got up, checked the bathroom, nothing. naturally, i never went back to sleep. bitch!
friday morning, breakfast at the deli, then chinatown! wahoo! chinatown is absolutely crazy! they grab you and offer all kinds of stuff. "hey lady, we got loius vuitton, prada, gucci bags". so i followed one of them to look for a prada for Poo. the shop was filled with yukky bags. i was disappointed, to say the least. then the little chinese girl looked around covertly, and opened up a tiny hole in the back wall of the store. inside a closet-like space was hundreds of designer purses! it was so cool! i stocked up on prada, fendi and chanel while in chinatown. the guys bought two gorgeous movado watches there.
by the way, i didn't take any pictures in chinatown, i was afraid to.
from there, it is a short walk to 'little italy'. good thing my diet was on vacation, too! we ate like hostages! we didn't shop, just ate!
afterwards, we had to get ready for the matinee of Lestat. good show, great music. afterwards, we met the cast and got autographs. sweet!
friday evening, the guys had tickets to "the wedding singer", but we didn't. so, Boo & i went shopping at 'barneys new york'. unfortunately, we got there at 7:30, and they close at 8:00. oh well...their prices made bloomingdales seem like wal-mart!
after barneys closed, Boo made me take a walk in central park. i was terrified (too many episodes of law & order, i guess). but from there, we went to the top of the empire state building. that was really cool, too! after that, cheesecake and drinks near our hotel. then back to my bed upon the floor.
after finally getting a full nights sleep, Bri and i woke up early saturday morning and left everyone else to sleep. we went to every porn shop on 8th avenue, and then over to 6th ave, and hit some of them! from there, we walked to macy's, but they weren't open yet (still before 10 a.m.). so, we took a taxi to 'ground zero'. wow, what a solomn place. it really gets to you. from there, we walked all over. we were in "tribeca" and the tribeca film festival had just started that week. i swear that i saw robert deniro on the street, and he smiled and winked at me!
from tribeca, we walked to chinatown, where everyone else finally met up with us. again, we ate in little italy.
by that time, we had to rush to make it to the matinee of Ave Q. this was easily the funniest show i'd ever seen! (at least up to that point in my life...little did i know what was in store for me that night!). again, we met all of the stars and got autographs.
and again, we ate afterwards. (did i mention that i gained six pounds while in NYC?)

from ave q, we went back to times square and shopped some more. i bought a few tool cd's at the 'virgin megastore'. bri made the comment that i had bought enough 'tools' that day (from our porn shop adventure).

saturday night was the grand finale. we went to see an off-broadway production of Naked Boys Singing. and yes, they are butt naked! the guys managed to get me front row, center. i was dying of embarassment! one naked boy did an opened leg knee slide right in my face. the songs were hilarious! among the songs were, 'i beat my meat' and the weiner song. i laughed until i cried.

sunday morning i got up early and flew home. i cried half way to the airport.
it was a great vacation, a terrific city and i wanna go back!

oh yeah, i almost forgot...weiners in NYC!

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "i haven't slept a single night in over a month. and not even once did you start to make sense to me. well maybe i'm a little bit slow, or just consistently inconsistent."

I <3 NY

2006-04-26T13:54:00.000-05:00

i'm off.
i am leaving for new york city at 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning (april 27th)! staying for 3 nights.
it is me & boo & the guys & one other girl.

hopefully i will be in a better mood after this trip, and i will give you all the details and pictures!

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "start spreadin' the news..."

faithless

2006-04-20T12:04:00.000-05:00

i have come to the conclusion that there is no god. there. i said it. no lightening bolts (yet).
i feel that i have wasted an inordinate amount of my life, my time, my energy praying to some unknown entity that doesn't exist.
are prayers ever answered? no.
one can explain everything away with either coincidence or by justifying the occurance.
there is no god. there is no help from above. it's just life. no one gets rewarded for being good or kind or "pure of heart". just as no one really suffers when they are evil through and through.

life is life. that's it. nothing more, nothing less. you only have yourself to blame or thank, for whatever happens to you.

yeah, i'm in a pretty bad place right now. and what's worse is, no one can help me.

~L

song lyric of the day: "jesus christ, why don't you come save my life, now open my eyes, blind me with your light, now jesus christ, why don't you come save my life, now open my eyes, blind me with your lies, now"

are you a loser too?

2006-04-06T07:25:00.000-05:00

i am

song lyric of the day: "anal seepage...ah no!" CLICK ME!!!

what the heck

2006-03-05T10:06:00.000-05:00

i really don't have much to say. ok, so i skipped the entire month of february...big deal.
i am in transition mode. i am in limbo, or purgatory, or whatever you wish to call it.
i stopped smoking (yes, again) cold turkey, on february 20th. i still want to kill someone, so i must not be through the nasty phase yet.
lets see...what's new...?
well, mid february i flew to atlanta to see pilot. he took me to the local dungeon. i could have died!!!! the dungeon is the exact same place where we used to take environmental samples for hickson. the place used to be call 'law & company'. now it's a dungeon. go figure.
also, i just returned from 3 days in miami with pilot. he was down there training for a new jet.
he keeps telling me that he is going to leave his wife. he has to complete his new training, then he has to wait until she calms down enough to not take him for everything he's got, then he will just end it 'amicably'.
yeah, this is realistic...

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in my last post, i alluded to the fact that i was keeping a secret. ok, many secrets.
i will share one with you now. i am doing this because i want/need your input.
ok, here goes...
i am starting up my own business. i am becoming a professional corporate concierge.
i still don't have a really good name for the business, so send some my way, ok?
i won't go into the boring details, but i am well upon my way.

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vacation alert...
we are about 8 weeks away from our trip to new york city. i've never been, so i am really excited. so far we have tickets to see 'spamalot' and 'lestat' on broadway. this is going to be a great trip!

all right, you're lucky that you got this much outta me today. more later...

~luv

song lyric of the day: "blend and balance, pain and comfort, deep within you, till you will not have me any other way"

Shhhhh....

2006-01-24T14:01:00.000-05:00

secrets.
i'm full of 'em lately.

poo and i made a secret whirlwind trip to atlanta 10 days ago. we flew up on the 13th and came home on the 15th.
it was a surprise visit for my parents 50th wedding anniversary.
they were very excited, and we had a great time!
we told no one of our trip, so we didn't see our old friends, except ex #4 (who is incredibly psychic). but there will be time for that soon enough.

i'm not divulging any further info on my secrets, just yet. i will give you a hint, though. read my "song lyric of the day" very carefully.....

ok, one other new thought...
we are definitely not going to las vegas in march, as we had hoped. i am too broke right now. but, we are planning a trip to NYC at the end of april. we are going (with the boys, of course) to see a few broadway shows and do some shopping. i can't wait!!!
the boys and i have tickets to see the musical "wicked" next month, in west palm. i just finished the book, and poo is half-way done with it.

yeah, yeah, yeah....i know this is a boring blog today. but i promise, it will get much better in the coming weeks!

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "sendin' out the message to all of my friends. we'll be lookin' flashy in my mercedes benz. i got lotsa style, got my gold diamond rings i can go for miles if you know what i mean."

ta ta 2005!

2005-12-28T13:15:00.000-05:00

what a year! whew! it was definitely a notable one. and it ends on a high note!

my dear mr."W", despite your pleas for a gay-pilot theme, i have decided not to do my newsletter. sorry. but, for the record i did state that this blog would replace it.
just me

i know that i did quite a bit of ranting and bitching this past year, but all in all, i had a lot of fun.

i guess i should dive right into the juicy details of our Christmas cruise...
this cruise was even more fun than our first cruise (in february). it started the minute we began boarding.
because of the patriot act, security is extremely tight. we had to show passports and/or birth certificates to board. well, poo's birth certificate has a different last name than her drivers license (coz she's married...duh). therefore, she had to show her marriage certificate, too. while she was digging for it, boo yells to her, "you know that ain't you! your real name is Boquita from bogata."
yep, they almost didn't let her on!
of course i was flirting with all of the crew. oh my God, italian seamen are freakin' HOT!!! the boys and i were drooling the entire time (so was Boquita).
*ask me about the captain sometime!*

not liking her new moniker, Boquita promptly changed her name to Esmeralda Villa Lobos (from Pulp Fiction), and named me Anastasia Beaverhausen (from Will & Grace). for the entire cruise, she/we introduced ourselves as that. when boo made fun of us, we said "shut up Jesus Villa Lobos-Beaverhausen!"

we did pretty much the same stuff on this cruise that we do on every other adventure, drink, gamble and chase men. i lost about $900 in the casinos this time. UGH!

i gave each of the kids a camera, with orders to take lots of pictures of our friends (for a Christmas gift to them). unfortunately, they got drunk and took pics of themselves all night at the disco. however, alot of pretty good shots were taken...drunk and disorderly on the high seas

ok, i am gonna publish this post unfinished for now. i have to get outta here and i have too much more to talk about (birthday party, Christmas, etc).

so...check back soon for more....

***********************************

ok, on to the best birthday party of the year!
Poo, Boo & "C" put together what was supposed to be a surprise party at the gaybar gaybar for "B" & me. (both of our birthdays are on december 24th). the surprise was ruined, but we still had a great time!
so...december 23rd we all met at the bar. there were decorations and noisemakers and lotsa drinks!
the birthday cake even had a beaver on it with the name Anastasia Beaverhausen below it. yes, the name took up the entire width of the cake!
we partied and danced til about 4:00 a.m.
it was great fun! happy birthday to us!

naturally, i was still hungover for Christmas...UGH!
one thing that was very special to me, poo & boo put together a comprehensive scrapbook of the year 2005.
we were supposed to meet up with the boys at the bar Christmas night, but we were to full and sleepy. it was our one year anniversary of meeting the 'gang'.

for new years eve, i will be in melbourne, and poo is driving to tampa to party with boo.

well, that is all for this year!
i hope yours was as good as mine!
i hope that 2006 will be even happier for us all!

joyously,
~Luv

song lyric of the day: "all i can say is that my life is pretty plain. i like watchin' the puddles gather rain..."

go with the flow

2005-12-06T08:34:00.000-05:00

i am tired.
i am tired of other people having the capacity to alter my life, my thinking, my space.
i am tired of waiting for men to come into my life.
i am tired of waiting for the men all ready in my life.
i am tired of carrying around a phone, that never rings.
i am tired of fighting for what should come naturally.
i am tired of hiding my life from everyone.
i am tired of faking support, encouragement and/or optimism.
i am tired of bearing everyone's burdens.
i am tired of men who are so insecure with their own sexuality, that they run away when they discover that boo is gay, and that most of my friends are gay.
trust me, it's not contagious. it even went as far as one man telling me that it's entirely my fault that he is gay. i don't believe that someone's sexuality should ever be considered a "fault".
i am tired of my son-in-law coming to me when he needs something, then being mean to me when he doesn't.
i am tired of coming into work and smelling cat shit all day.
i guess that one needs an explanation...
about 6 weeks ago, someone dropped off 2 sickly little kittens at our lab. they were only a few days old. so, the girl who works for me, tended to them, bottle fed them, and basically saved them. the problem is, now she won't do anything else. she blames our company for the lack of judgment involving these monsters. she brings them to work daily, and lets them run free in the lab. they shit everywhere. they stink. their food stinks. their crap stinks. she does no work, whatsoever...just plays with her babies.
i am sick of smelling like cat shit.

i want to tell myself to just let go. to just go with the flow.
it isn't so easy to do that, though. not when the demons in my head (heart?) demand something more.
there has to be something out there for me.

yes, i broke up with pilot. i did it the day after thanksgiving. and for the record, if he had treated me like he did on that day, for the past 8 months, i would have waited for him forever. he was loving, open, vulnerable. he cried. normally, i detest men crying, but this was something deep within him.

so then, what is out there for me. i don't have a crystal ball. i don't have anything. should i continue on blind faith?

someone told me last night, that she was proud of me. that i am her role model. that throughout my life, i never gave up, i was strong throughout all of my heartbreaks. i wanted to tell her that i wasn't strong. i am not strong, and never wanted to be strong.
i only made it through because God just wouldn't let me die.

i guess i am mostly just tired of being alone.

~luv

song lyric of the day: "i want something good to die for. to make it beautiful to live."

time and tide wait for no man...

2005-11-29T10:54:00.000-05:00

my dear friend and i have decided to issue our own currency. no details as of yet, but it involves issuing vouchers for the use of painting my body. the increments will be in square centimeters, and the vouchers will be used as real currency.

but i think there is a much more needed commodity. time.
what if one could buy/sell/trade time?
blocks of time. minutes, hours, moments?

i would gladly trade off the next 18 days to someone who needed them more. think about it. i could jump right to the date of my cruise, and i could give those extra days to someone with a terminal illness.
or, could i buy back the moment that i told the vice president of my company that his wife was homely?
can i just skip ahead to my retirement? think what those added years could mean to a child with cancer.
could you hold on to a moment, like a savings account? save the moment that you are wrapped in your lovers arms? or your childs first giggle?
is some time more valuable than others? would i get a premium for selling off my Christmas day, as opposed to just selling november 29th?

time.
everyone that knows me, knows that i lack patience. i admit it, i have a dreadfully short attention span. i am easily amused, yet easily distracted.

why is time uppermost in my mind today? as i look back over the past couple years, i realize that the three passions in my life all asked for the same thing. time.

"i love you, but wait to see if my wife is going to divorce me, or keep me"
"i love you, but wait to see if my wife will die in an accident"
"wait to see if i will leave my abusive girlfriend."

yes lovi, you are second or third in my list of priorities. you are a nice girl, and if things don't work out with my first choice, then we might be able to get together. just wait.

when faced with these ultimatums, one might ask, "what's a girl to do?"
no one has the answer to that. i guess i either wait as patiently as i am capable of, or i move on.

patience. my greatest downfall. i listen patiently to these men tell me of their destructive relationships. i offer comfort, advice, and love. i hurt for them. every word i take to heart, i feel their pain. i live their discomfort. i am their whipping boy. i absorb it all. and unbeknownst to them, it slowly kills me.
here i am offering my advice to help them essentially rid themselves of me, so that their homelife will be peaceful and happy.

no, i am not a martyr. i am not being unselfish. i want them for myself. i love them. but i want them to find their happiness and peace of mind. in my heart, i want them to find it with me. but ultimately, it never is.

well, that's what is on my mind today.
i am working on the annual newsletter...you'll just have to wait.

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "tear me from the bone. tear me from myself. are you feeling happy? does it make you happy? are you feeling happy? are you fucking happy? now that i'm lost, left with nothing..."

running blind

2005-11-29T08:08:00.000-05:00

it occurred to me that i have had this blog for over a year now, and i have never posted the lyrics to its namesake.
i guess i thought that if i aired my feelings, that i would no longer need to be 'running blind'.
guess i was wrong...

most of you all ready know them, but for those of you who don't...voila!

************************************

can’t find the answers
i’ve been crawling on my knees
looking for anything
to keep me from drowning
promises have been turned to lies
can’t even be honest inside
now I’m running backward
watching my life wave me goodbye

running blind
i’m running blind
somebody help me see i’m running blind

searching for nothing
wondering if i’ll change
i’m trying everything
but everything still stays the same
i thought if i showed you i could fly
wouldn’t need anyone by my side
now i’m running backward
with broken wings i know i’ll die

running blind
i’m running blind
somebody help me see i’m running blind
running blind
running blind
running blind

i can’t find the answers
i’ve been crawling on my knees
looking for anything
to keep me from drowning
i’m running blind
running blind
running blind

~godsmack

tis the season?

2005-11-23T06:53:00.000-05:00

i don't know if i will be doing my Christmas newsletter this year, i may just 'blog it'. most of the recipients of the newsletter all ready read my blog. and those that don't...well i don't want them to know what's happening in my life anyhow.

let's start with thanksgiving. ugh.
the fiasco began about two weeks ago, when i announced to poo & her husband that i was spending the day/night with pilot, and wouldn't be here for thanksgiving dinner. which obviously meant that i wouldn't be cooking dinner, either. poo's husband went crazy. apparently, this is his most sacred of holiday's. he literally wiped his ass on my arm, threw stuff at me, and called me names. it wasn't pretty.
next, boo called (he had all ready stated previously that he couldn't make it home for the occasion, as he had to work) and said that the 'guys' had invited us to dinner at their home. as i don't need to meet pilot until 6:00 p.m., i accepted the invite. i know that the guys will outdo anything that martha stewart could even imagine!

in the meantime, poo has begun this stupid infatuation with a friend of theirs. she is absolutely obsessed with him (for anonymity sake, i will refer to him as *scumbag*). she wants to leave her husband and move in with me. naturally, i would never turn away one of my children (no matter how wrong i believe they are). i told her that the only condition was, no dogs. poo has 3 dogs, all of which weigh over 100 pounds. all of which are indoor pets. that would mean that i would have over 500 pounds of dogs living in my 700 sq.' house.
when she heard my condition, she got bitchy and hasn't spoke to me since.

on another angle, we (the guy's & i) decided to take a Christmas cruise next month. since poo wouldn't answer her telephone when i called to inquire if she wants to go, "B" took off from work, drove to her work and asked her about the cruise. she told him that she would call me that evening. later that night, she called to tell me that *scumbag* had to check his schedule to see if he could get off work to go on the cruise. ugh.

so, back to thanksgiving dinner....
poo says she will go, just to appease the guys. boo says that he will come home for the dinner only if i promise to have poo (who he now refers to as 'crazy poo')"baker acted" during the festivities at the guys house. should be interesting.

also, my cousin called and invited me to their house for dinner. after relating the story to him, i think he'll have me baker acted. i promised to go see him the following saturday.

in addition to all of this, my ex (#4) is coming to florida for thanksgiving. he wants to see me, too. he also wants me to "come back home" because he loves me and still wants me. he says i am ruining my life.

oh yeah, and here is an excerpt from a letter from another well known ex, that i received this week: "I choose to believe we aren't over, and that there are grounds to hope our best times, together, are yet to come. Sometimes I know it seems like I let your love go to waste, like dumping fine wine on the ground. But xxxx, precious xxxx, I see it. I see that your love is the rarest of gifts, not to be despised, not to be taken for granted but rather a love to celebrate, to hold in reverence, worthy of worship. I love you xxxx. I never stopped loving you. I never will."

does nobody care about how i feel? or where my heart is? or how easily words can hurt me? don't they realize that when someone opens up an old wound that it takes that much longer to heal?

where am i, you ask? hmmm, let's see.
i think that i am going to end the relationship with pilot this week. there are many reasons, as stated in my previous post. i don't think that the future is very promising with him, and i need more than he can offer. i went to my world class stylist last night, and he is insisting that i stuff some contraband into pilot's flightbag, then call the wife and tell all. wow, he really holds a grudge. he has hated pilot for months now.

mr. 11:30 has moved up significantly in my theoretical clock. still not holding my breath on this one, but he has continued to hold my attention (and that's quite a feat). God, he's sexy! ok...that's all i'll say on that matter.

please don't think that my life is as "cloudy" as this post seems. i am taking this all in stride, and still find the humour/irony in it all. i am certainly not unhappy, so don't worry about me.

**************************************************************

ok, how about some HAPPY news?

we are booking our cruise today! YAY! we depart dec. 16th from ft. lauderdale and go for 3 nights to freeport and back to ft. lauderdale. i can't wait! it's a good time for a vacation, and we all really need one!
of course, this means massive shopping now!

boo is doing so well in his classes, that he doesn't even need to take any finals this semester. i am so proud of him! he will come home for the cruise and stay until after the first of the year.

well, i guess that about does it for my thanksgiving-from-hell post. i'm gonna go stick my head in the oven with the turkey...

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day (yeah, it's me): "what drives you on, can drive you mad. a million lies to sell yourself, is all you ever had...don't believe in love, don't believe in hate, don't believe in anything..."

crossroads

2005-11-14T09:53:00.000-05:00

as i mentioned before, i feel as though i am at a crossroad. but a simple crossroad puts it too mildly. only one intersection? nope. my life is more of clockwork of options/choices/decisions. let me start at 11:59, and work back from there.

with one minute left, is my boyfriend. his time is almost up. he loves me, and i know that he wants and needs me. but let's face it, he's married. he'll most likely always be married. and if he wasn't married, i don't think that i could keep him on a full-time basis. afterall, he is boring. he is way too old for me, his hobbies are playing bridge and golfing. ho hum. he won't allow me to smoke, drink or listen to my music. tick tick tick...

following very close behind him is doug. i know, i know. we broke up nearly a year ago. he and i remained 'friends' until a few weeks ago. he got caught calling me again. so he is returning to (and this is a direct quote from him) his "life sentence of desolation." he is really a non-issue here. there is no choice to be made. my feelings for him remain indifferent. however, i know that as long as i am living, there is always that chance of him returning into my life.

ok, at about 11:30, on my theoretical clock, is a new man. i work with him on the weekends. he is extremely handsome, single (nearly - he does have a psychotic, drunk girlfriend), funny, age appropriate, kinky and intelligent. we seem to have a great deal in common. and the flirting is outrageous fun. so, what's the problem with him? he's a no-show. he makes suggestions, he flirts shamelessly, he pushes all the right buttons. but when i call him on it, he backs down. basically, he is all talk, no action. which is fine, because he's probably a loser or a liar or married or something else. harmless flirting is one thing, but spineless innuendo is another. i'm not going to play his silly games anymore, so his time is almost up, too.

coming in at 11:05 is my soulmate. they say that everyone has a twin somewhere. he is mine. we even share the same birthday (11 years apart, but the same date). we think alike, act alot alike, love the same things. he is gorgeous, well mannered, intelligent. we have so much fun together. there is a true bond between us. i love him deeply. sounds ideal? yep, you guessed it...he's married. to another man, in fact. yes, this is my luck. i finally find my soulmate, and he's gay. oh well, not a problem. what decision could i need to make concerning him? he wants me to move to las vegas with him, in may. yep, sell everything, quit the shit jobs, and move to vegas. of all of my impending decisions, this is the most appealing right now. a fresh start. but vegas is so far away from everything i've ever known. not that florida holds any joy for me any longer. boo told me that if i move to vegas, he will not go with me. i told him that he could go to UNLV, but he won't. he insists on moving to NYC.

and, just in this weekend, coming in at 11:01...i met another man this weekend. he's a real cutie. very nice, and apparently he is enamored with me. uh...he's only 21 or so, though. i know, i know, i never let that stop me before! at least this one is older than one of my kids. and what would i need to decide about someone as new as this? it's complicated. one of poo's friends (and a very, very dear friend of mine - he is in many of the pics that i have posted in my yahoo photos) has a crush on me. he's even given me a few 'booty calls'. he's a sweetheart, and i love him. but i am not having sex (or a romantic relationship) with him. for God's sake, i am older than his mum. boo is older than he is. i just can't do it. so anyhow, if i decide to have a relationship with this new guy, my friend will be crushed. ugh...

then there is my timeless love. i cannot put him in my clock scheme. he isn't even in my time zone. he isn't even on the same continent as i am. but i love him. i will always love him. there is no decision to be made here. unless of course, if i follow through with my fantasy of selling everything and moving to tuscany, buying a donkey to ride to my grape-stomping job. a fresh start in a new world. then he and i would be on the same continent, different countries, but same continent.
i love you, oz! :*

add to this my newly re-destroyed house (thanks wilma, you bitch), my job that i detest, my other job that pays nothing, chronic insomnia, and an overall sense of 'i-just-don't-give-a-shit-anymore' attitude, and you have my life right now.

i just wanna go to sleep now...

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "lets go home and get stoned, we could end up makin love instead of misery. go home and get stoned, cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me. you wear me out."

random thoughts 2.0

2005-11-08T12:12:00.000-05:00

i don't have much to say today.

i did get my electricity turned on by halloween. so, that was a good thing.

i had a great visit with my pilot this past week. that was a good thing.

poo's husband is very mad at me right now. i announced that i would be spending thanksgiving day with pilot. apparently, that is his most cherished holiday.
he'll just have to get over it.

i have a lot of issues going on in my life right now. quite complicated, to say the least. i have about five different people pulling me in five different directions. with a nod towards a 'new' friend of mine...i am at a crossroad.
i have a lot to consider, and i am losing sleep over it.
sometimes, i wish there was someone who would just take over my life, and tell me what to do. i don't like making decisions.

hmmm, i guess no one ever said it was gonna be easy.

the boys want me to move to las vegas with them in may.
another decision to ponder...

i'm gonna go crawl under a rock now...

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "all you read and wear or see and hear on tv is a product begging for your fatass dirty dollar"

the word of the day....

2005-10-29T10:01:00.000-05:00

is FUCK.

that's all we've been able to say.
we knew wilma was coming. we said 'fuck!'.
thirteen months, three major hurricanes. we've been through the eye of 3 hurricanes.
FUCK.

i lost my back porch, again. i can't file insurance because after last years claims, they raised my deductible up to $10,000. FUCK!

the storm hit monday morning, oct 24th. we still have no electricity. they tell us that we'll get power by nov. 15th. but no later than nov 22nd.
FUCK!

no hot water, no lights, no heat (it's in the 50's here), no air conditioning (it gets into the 80's during the day), no unspoiled food, no internet (except when i am at a job that i hate)
FUCK!

~luv

song lyric of the day: "you come on like a bloodstained hurricane. leave me alone, let me be this time."

elvis has left the building

2005-09-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

i am so disappointed.
we spent three full days (and nights...but they all run together) in vegas, and i didn't see one single elvis. i think i am going to have to return just for an official "elvis hunt"!

yes, we had a great time in the city that never sleeps.
yes, i lost my ass.
$1100 to be exact...but who needs to pay their mortgage anyway?

we stayed at New York New York.
fabulous hotel! i gambled a lot. i didn't see any shows, but the guys did.
on saturday night, the guys went to see "mama mia" (for like their 50th time), and on sunday night, my 5th husband had second row seats for celine dion. he loves her!

the city is terrific. so much to do, so little time to do it in.
the restaurants were the best ever.
oh yeah, in NYNY, there is a very nice italian restaurant called "Il Fornaio". it is THE BEST!!!! that is where i met vinnie.
vinnie is in love with me now. he keeps asking me if i will let him fly me out there for the weekend. vinnie is very nice, but just a little overly enthusiastic.

ok...here is the link for the pics...
LAS VEGAS

also on this particular roll of film was our pictures that were taken during the florida landing of hurricane katrina. we went to the beach early in the day and took some pics. you really can't tell from the photos how wild the water and wind were, but it'll give you some idea. thank God we didn't get the devastation that the gulf coast got. but 11 deaths in our area was still pretty significant.

katrina in FL

more later...maybe,
~Luv

song lyric of the day (because this is where i am right now): "my fears come alive. in this place where i once died. demons dreaming.
knowing i...i just needed to realign."

my city was gone...

2005-09-08T10:53:00.000-05:00

i know that everyone has been inundated with images from new orleans. it is horrid, sad and depressing to see the destruction.

i have to share my thoughts on what was my favorite city in the world...

almost every year throughout the '90s, my best friend and i would go to new orleans. every year seemed to replace the previous year with better memories.
the city enthralled me with its architecture. it pulled me in with its voodoo. it entertained me with the people. it was a city of lust, of magic, of mystery, of fun...and of love.

our last visit was in april 2001. it was me, my daughter poo, nice lady and my other bestest friend - K. (remember, i try to keep things anonymous on here)
it was a sad time for me, i knew that on the day that we would return to atlanta, poo would be moving to florida, for good.
we didn't let that stand in the way of our fun.
we arrived late friday night into the big easy. we stayed at the marriott on canal street, easily walking distance to bourbon street.
we partied on bourbon street every night.
in the mornings, we would walk down to a small hole in the wall diner for breakfast. it was without a doubt, the best food anywhere! for $5.00, we would get a full plate of the best southern breakfast anywhere and the thickest, spiciest bloody mary around!
we then spent the days going through jackson square, shopping and enjoying all of the various street performers.
i found a small shop that was full of fortune tellers. i am always the skeptical one, so i give little to no information to the fortune tellers.
the lady who read my tarot cards was uncanny.
she taped the entire reading, so i wouldn't forget what was said.
some of the info she gave me:
she told me that i would be moving near water soon (in another thought, she specifically mentioned south florida). ***at that time, i had no intentions of following poo to florida***
i would have a new job by july 1, making more money than ever, working with a brown
haired girl. ***i started my new job as lab manager at the end of june. the girl who works for me has brown hair***
she told me that my ex would contact me soon. ***after verifying which ex, i called her out on that one. i told her that he was the only one with whom i had no contact with. the day after i got home, he called***

she told me many other things, all of which have proven true - down to frighteningly accurate details.
someday, i hope to find her again, and find out what lies in store for me.

on our last full day in nawlins, we began with our bloody mary's. we moved on to dirty monkeys (some banana flavored drink), mango margaritas, and rum punch.
we were making our way (sort of) back to the hotel to rest, shower and prepare for the evening festivities. we walked past a bar on bourbon street named "utopia". two large doormen(?) or bouncers(?) or .... i don't know who they were...anyhow, these two men insisted that we come in for a drink. it was nearly noon.
we finally made it back to the hotel sometime around midnight. they wouldn't even let us leave when we ran out of cigarettes, or money. they took care of everything for us. it was a great time. poo danced with a deaf man. we drank shooters from a 'mobster'..."when joey says drink, you drink!"

http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/lr772/album?.dir=/abd9

ahhh, the memories that we will always keep in our hearts. i love my daughter and my best friends for sharing that weekend with me. i love the city of new orleans for everything that it is, because even though our city may be devastated right now, it will always be 'our city' in my heart.

please, do your best to contribute what you can to the fund that you feel will be the best for you. and don't forget to donate to the lost animals of the hurricane victims.

**********************************

yes, i am back from vegas.
no, i will not mention details in this post.
yes, you will wait!

tearfully,
~Luv

song lyric of the day (this deserves to be written in its entirety):
Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans
And miss her each night and day
I know I'm not wrong because the feeling's
Getting stronger the longer I stay away

Miss the moss-covered vines, tall sugar pines
Where mockingbirds used to sing
I'd love to see that old lazy Mississippi
Running in the spring

Moonlight on the bayous
Creole tunes fill the air
I dream about magnolias in June
And I'm wishin I was there

Do you know what it means to miss New Orleans
When that's where you left your heart
And there's one thing more, I miss the one I care for
More than I miss New Orleans

back to life....

2005-08-31T11:04:00.000-05:00

i am feeling much better today.
thanks to the help and support of all of my friends. you know who you are, and i love you all!

i have been suffering from insomnia, which causes my mind to do crazy things. like think.

and, as i think about the turn of events that my life has taken, then i realize that i am much better off without him.

ok, back to reality...
three days until i take Vegas by storm!!!
i am FINALLY excited about going.
the guys were really worried that i would poop out on them and be all whiny...wah wah wah....my boyfriend left me ....wah wah wah...
anyhow, they are trying to fix me up with 'straight-jason', who is also going on the trip.
they say "whatever happens in vegas, stays in vegas!"

i went to my world class hairstylist last night for a fab new look. (which, by the way, he thinks i should call the wife and divulge everything.) he told me to get over the old-fucking-loser, and go to vegas and do everyone there!
he was exceptionally upset that this guy dumped me. he said, "i had your hair looking fabulous for this guy, and he dumped you????? what a fucking loser, you can do so much better"
i love him!
unfortunately, he won't be going with us. he and his better half are spending the weekend in ft. lauderdale.

tonight, we are making a 'dry run' to my next husbands home. we are supposed to meet up at his house saturday morning at 5:30 a.m., and he was afraid that we'd get lost. on saturday morning, his boyfriend will drop us off at the airport (saves on parking fees), and we'll catch the early flight. he is terrified of flying so far. neither of us has ever flown so far. to counter our fear, we have stocked up on the xanax, and we'll have a couple bloody's pre-flight.

tomorrow night we dine with the boys, for last minute preparations.
friday night, getting my nails done.
whew!

by the way, my very straight cousin is joining us on this trip. (the one with whom i always go to key west with)
i don't think he's ever been around any gay men. yes, i am a little concerned, but hey...they all know they are gay.
i'm sure he'll be fine.

i doubt that i will be blogging again before my trip, so stay posted for new pics!

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day (continued): "back to reality. back to the here and now."

seether

2005-08-19T08:15:00.000-05:00

i know that i need to 'blog'. i just can't find the words. yeah right, me? speechless?

it's been a tough couple of weeks, and there is only a shimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.

the main issue weighing on my mind deals with me and my pilot. we are still together, but there are some very serious problems right now.
so serious in fact, that i am not able to air them publicly.
needless to say, it's stressful.
oh well. they say that what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. pffft!

other big issues of late...
boo is leaving tomorrow for college.
he did get accepted into his college of choice in NYC, but changed his mind (again).
fortunately, he is only (?) going to USF. which is a 3 hour drive from me.
i am having serious 'empty nest' syndrome going on.

i did pass my real estate licensing exam, so now i am a full fledged real estate associate. i have no idea where to go from here with it...

i stopped smoking on july 5th.
i started smoking august 13th.

in 2 weeks, i will be in las vegas, so that is something to look forward to.
i am going with poo & the boys.
i really need a vacation right now.
and a cigarette.

maybe i will write more later.
maybe not.

~Luv

song lyric of the day: "frail, the skin is dry and pale, the pain will never
fail...and so we go back to the remedy"

rock on gold dust woman....

2005-07-14T07:41:00.000-05:00

...take your silver spoon, and dig your grave....

*******************************

i thought that i would wrap up my gold story. you know how i hate leaving loose ends...

a recap:

it all started in december, 2004. everyone was chicken little. "the coming collapse of the dollar" and all.
buy gold!!! you will die if you don't.

so, i bought gold. i purchased shares of stock in a little gold mine. which is holding its own...no complaints but i am not planning to retire on it.

i also purchased gold through "Goldmoney.com"
i was looking at it as somewhat of an investment, as i later found out that you cannot play at TGC with GM.
http://runningblind.blogspot.com/2005/03/digital-currency-loop.html

you cannot do *anything* with GM.
oh wait...there is somewhere that GM is spent to...THEIR FUCKING STORAGE FEES!!!

well after six months of not being able to use my gold, or play with my gold, i cashed it in for USD. i must say that the process of changing my gold into USD and transferring into my american bank, was quick and pain-free.

i learned absolutely nothing from this experiment in futility, that i hadn't all ready known...dgc's are pretty freakin' useless. save the fact that they are most likely a get-rich-easily-off-of-others-cash-scheme for doug and james. until the time comes that they can be accepted globally, they are just a novelty.

luckily for me, i only lost $20 in storage fees. could've been much worse.

**********************************

enough.
that chapter in my life is hopefully closed now. onward and upward (ok, that was pretty gay)

*********************************

i am a real bitch lately. i quit smoking (cold turkey) on july 5th. it hasn't been pretty at all.
i bludgeoned a customer service rep over the phone. as i was banging the phone on my desk and yelling about what thieves her company was, i heard her, "ma'am, i am still here. i can hear you."

so i call my doctor and explain that i need help. he calls in a prescription for me. i go into CVS to pick up the pills, and the new pharmacist insists on reading all of the contraindications to me (including the phrase "it may show up undissolved in your poop"). i was shaking and seizing. then the poor fellow didn't know how to work the credit card reader. after three attempts, i threw $10 at him, grabbed the pills and screamed "gimme the ***damned pills!!!"

i am feeling much better now. i still think about cigarettes every waking moment, but i am not homicidal/suicidal anymore.

it also helps that i re-joined my gym. anytime i want a smoke, i go to the gym. i am doing 1 1/4 miles on the treadmill, 1 1/2 miles on the bike and 6 laps in the pool, daily. then at night and on the weekends they have different classes that i take. i am taking pilates, yoga & body-sculpting. i tried the dancercise, and it was a joke. fat white women with no rhythm, dressed in spandex, have no right to be seen salsa-ing in public....UGH....*shudder*

*********************************

the last week in june was terrific!
my Pilot came to stay with me for 3 1/2 days. we took one day to go on a casino cruise, from cape canaveral. he also got to meet 'the guys'. we had dinner together one night. and of course, he got to meet 'the fam'. he passed everyone's inspections with....hee hee hee...this is bad....
flying colors....

he left on wednesday afternoon, and thursday morning my cousin & his wife picked poo & i up for key west. we had a great time, of course! stayed til saturday. i'll post the pictures someday...

*********************************

well, that's my update for now...i am sorry that i take so long between blogs...maybe when life slows down a little bit, i will write more.

********************************

oh by the way....i have added another link to this blog. it is the coolest blog ever. check it out:
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/

later,
~Luv

song lyric continued: "rulers make bad lovers. you'd better put your kingdom up for sale."

it's raining men....

2005-06-14T09:38:00.000-05:00

ok, ok. call me a slacker.
i haven't posted because i haven't had too much to say.

hmmmm, where to begin?

as you all know, there is a new man in my life. so my weekends are busy with him. he lives near atlanta, but he's a pilot and visits me often. (he is so hot in his uniform!)
and yes...i am in love again. sickening, isn't it?
and by the way...he never signs anything *regards* anymore!

***********************************************

oh yeah, there *is* another new man in my life, too.
there is a family of renters across the street from me. they are pure white trash. they have about 40 crackhead-looking people living in a 2 bedroom home and more junk cars than conley, GA.
anyhow, one of them, "ricky", seems to have taken a liking to me. ricky says that he lives 2 hours north of orlando, but he is always next door. he hides behind the junk cars and waits for me to go to my mailbox so he can talk with me. he offered to repair my roof (the part that ex#4 didn't fix), so i paid him to do that.
i may have said the wrong thing to him when i mentioned that "my boyfriend is into bondage, and wraps his ropes up like that". ever since then, ricky calls me everyday, or just comes over.
the other night i was in bed (no lights on in the entire house) watching television, and ricky knocked on my door. he said that he "figgered" i was still awake cause he saw my tv on.
yesterday i left work early to get my brazilian bikini wax done. i rushed home and showered first (duh!). as i was getting dressed, ricky called. he was in my back yard. he wanted to know if he could mow my lawn. i told him to come in while i put my make-up on, and we would discuss it.
ricky loved my bedroom. "i like your bedroom" & "those flowers shore are purty" ...
i explained that i was so busy lately that i had to pay someone to clean my home. of course, he offered his services for that, too. i declined that offer.
as i was finishing my make-up and trying to run out the door, i realized that i forgot to take my hair out of the ponytail and fix it.
ricky, always willing to help, offered this: "well, i don't have much experience at it, but i can try to do your hair for you." YIKES!!!!!
finally pushing him out the door, he told me how his wife just sits on the couch all day eating and watching dr. phil. she won't even cook or wash his clothes for him.
BA-BYE RICKY!!! maybe if he spent as much time in his own backyard, as he does in mine....oh nevermind....
the bikini wax was much less painful!

****************************************************

the other man in my life, Boo Boo is leaving me.
he got accepted to FIT (fashion institute of technology) in new york city. he is moving in august. you know my heart is broken, but i won't let him see it.
i gave him roots, now i have to give him wings.

****************************************************

the men in my life (the 'guys') are doing great! poo & i have dinner with them every tuesday night. and we are trying to get back into our friday night poker games again. since i am seeing my Pilot, i don't get to the gaybar gaybar very often.
we have our flights and hotel reservations for las vegas. we are going sept 3-6, and we're staying at excalibur. if poo doesn't go, i will be sharing a room with my 5th husband! (http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/lr772/detail?.dir=1698&.dnm=1b54.jpg&.src=ph)
we are becoming quite popular with the gay crowd. poo & i have been in nearly every issue of "out on the coast" magazine!

***************************************************

and finally...another significant man in my life is my cousin.
i spent the past weekend with him. we are headed to key west next thursday (june 23). it will be him and his wife and poo & me. four days of drinking and oysters!
stay tuned for pictures....

**************************************************

hee hee hee....lovi found a life!

later,
~Luv

song lyric of the day: "summertime....and the livin's easy...."

regards

2005-05-20T05:21:00.000-05:00

yes. i'm still here.
i haven't blogged in a while, so i thought i'd check in, and let everyone know that everything's good here.

let's see....where to begin?
i guess the most important news today is that there is a new man in my life. shocked, aren't you!?
no details just yet, but i will say that:
a) he is older than me (yeah, i know....i'm not 'stella' anymore)
b) he is NOT married
c) he is gainfully employed (works outta atlanta)

everything just peachy, right? wrong.
he is a wonderful man. considerate, friendly, intelligent, great in the bedroom. but...
i know this sounds petty. we have been communicating for nearly 3 months now. since he lives out of state we have to depend on alot of e-mails and IM's.
no matter what takes place between us or how intimate we've become, he signs all of his e-mails and e-cards with "regards". ok, ok. i know that it's way too soon for "love", but how about something a little more endearing? "regards" sounds like i am a business acquaintance, not his lover. come to think of it...he hasn't even voluntarily said that he likes me yet. he won't even allow me to call him my "boyfriend" yet.
i think the red flags are frantically waving at me.

maybe i'm too sensitive. maybe i want too much.
maybe i should stop listening to Korn & alice in chains first thing in the morning...

on a similar note...i have noticed that ODCface has been stalking me on the website that i hang out on. he never used that site before, and now he is on there almost daily. hmmmm, maybe he tired of his wife and 5 other girlfriends all ready?
come to think of it, it's most likely his fault for my terrible insecurities. all of the lies that he told me, and like a fool, i believed. he gave me such a false sense of security.

security. yes. that's it. i need security. i need to trust someone again. i want to trust and believe. i want to know that i am 'the only one'. i need more than "regards".
hmmm, may be time to reassess.

btw, i can rant here, because "mr. regards" doesn't read my blog...

***************************

moving on.....

boo is headed off to NYC again this weekend to catch a couple of broadway shows. i know that soon he will be moving there to go to school. i am torn with this. i will miss him terribly, but i know thats where his heart is. he got accepted to (actually put on a waiting list) FIT --> fashion institute in NYC. i guess it's pretty hard to be accepted there, so i am proud that he made it to that point.

********************************

poo has lost her mind, and can't find it. two weeks ago, she found a 4 foot snake in her utility room. she now refuses to leave the house. we do get her to go to work, and our tuesday night dinners with the 'guys', but other than that, she's hermitted herself.

********************************

my summer plans have been tossed around a bit. i have been moving things around so i can spend time with "mr. regards". however, i am going to key west the last week in june. i can't wait! i am trying to talk poo into going with me. maybe that will snap her out of her funk.

*******************************

my house is finally repaired from the hurricanes! today the final repair is being made. i had to replace my water softener/filtration system....for a mere $2200....YIKES!!!!! i nearly threw up when they told me the cost. btw, insurance gave me $300 to replace it....
and yes, hurricane season begins june 1st....UGH.....

*****************************

well, thats it for today.
i'm going to go stick my head in an oven now....

regards,
~Luv

song lyric of the day: "i take my face and bash it into a mirror, i won't have to see the pain"

clarification

2005-05-12T05:17:00.000-05:00

ok all of you 'gold' people.
i hear you. geeeeesh. you guys are worse than a bunch of old ladies.
the horse is dead all ready, and you are *still* beating it.
and now, you've gone and put me under turk's scrutiny (and i am guessing more than one e-gold/omnipay employee).
you couldn't just let me rant on about stuff....no....
not that it matters to me, i couldn't care less.
nonetheless, i will try to clarify what details i can for you.

in reply to 'anonymous' (http://runningblind.blogspot.com/2005/04/random-thoughts.html)

i seem to "hint"??? HINT??? do you have a clear grasp of the english language???

yes, as an e-gold account holder (or any other system, for that matter) you should explore every detail possible. don't be a lemming. if anything looks suspicious...investigate. anything at all.

anyone who has ever dealt with (or even met) the illustrious founder knows his tendencies.

you can call it the rantings of a scorned lover, if you will. but, i implore you to heed my warnings.
is it not enough that *he* cheated on his wife with me, but also cheated on me with other mistresses?
if a man cannot be trusted in his personal life, how does that bode for his professional life?

suffice it to say, i do not and will not use e-gold. ever.

so there you have it, dear anonymous.

i've said more than enough right now....
if you have questions, you know where to find me.

~Luv

song lyric of the day: "when you were languishing in rooms I built to foul you in. and when the wind set down in funnel form, and pulled you in."

our 15 minutes?

2005-05-02T09:39:00.000-05:00

we went to our friends birthday party this past friday, and had a great time!
we literally overtook the gaybar gaybar. even the drag queens joined in the fun. i have the pics posted all ready (http://photos.yahoo.com/lr772) if you wanna take a peek.
we are enjoying our 15 minutes of fame, as we finally got our picture in the local magazine, "Out On The Coast".

********************************

this is a very short blog today. i have been up since 2:00 a.m., and i am not very talkative. i basically wanted to share my latest set of pics with everyone.

so....
maybe i'll blog later this week, when i am more awake.

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "i've been crawling on my belly. clearing out what could've been. i've been wallowing in my own chaotic and insecure delusions."

yawn...

2005-04-26T06:32:00.000-05:00

i know. nearly 3 weeks since i've blogged. sue me.
i thought as i grew older, life would slow down.
oh, hell no.

let's see....where to begin....

last week, ex-husband #4 came for a visit. he stayed for nearly a week. he painted the entire house, and repaired my hurricane-damaged roof. it was good to see him again, he's back to his old self! he is completely in remission and as feisty as ever.

we spent the week entertaining him, going out for dinner and what-not. one night we took him to dinner with 'the guys'. thank God he isn't homophobic!!! during the course of the evening, he stepped outside for a cigarette, and one of the guys asked me..."soooo, whats the deal with you two? has he re-married or what?"
i looked him solemnly in the eye and said, "no, after we split up, he turned gay." oh my God!!! his chin hit the table, and he damn near came outta his seat!!! after the laughter died down, i told him i was just fuckin' with him, he is definitely straight! the disappointed look was priceless! (i am such the gay tease!) bitch!!!

that dinner was in fact, part of the 12 day celebration of one of their birthdays. he has declared that only he & Jesus can have a 12 day birthday. more on that further down....

anyhow, back to ex#4.... it was so ironic. i have finally turned into the woman that he always wanted me to be. i watch my weight, exercise & eat right, keep a tidy home, earn a decent salary, etc etc etc....
except, now there is nothing, chemistry wise, between us.
it makes me feel good, though, that i have finally earned his respect & admiration.

*******************************
i went to see my world famous hairstylist last week. he thought he would try something new for me.
yeah, that's never a good sign....
he layered my hair...alot.
now, when my hair is styled correctly, i look like florence henderson from the brady bunch.
however, when my hair is left to fend for itself, i look more like alice cooper...UGH!!! i am afraid to go to bed with my hair wet, i will wake up looking like albert einstein.
i don't know how to tell him that i don't like it. he is so sensitive (and bitchy).
now that i think about it, he *did* buy me a baseball cap (it says MILF on it). hmmm, maybe he was trying to tell me something?

******************************

this past friday (april 22), boo had his tonsils removed. he is slowly recovering. it seems terribly painful, and he is sleeping alot. so, i have been playing nurse all weekend.

i'm not sure if he remembers it or not...but....
while we were in the pre-op, he had all ready been given mild sedatives. he was awake, but pretty high. anyhow, i took his cell phone (equipped with a camera), and took lots of pictures of him in his cute little surgical hat. i am certain that when he regains his strength, he's gonna get even with me...

*******************************

this upcoming saturday (april 30), is the actual date of our friends birthday. i had no idea what to get him. he has everything that he wants, and gets what he wants all the time. he has an entire room of unused gifts (he swears he isn't a re-gifter...HA!) sooooo, i turn to the best resource i have....google.
i typed in "gifts for gay men". wow! lots of sites for that!! there is even a site called "gay-mart".
stay tuned for details and pics of the celebration!
i finally decided on 'queer bear' from www.ballsybear.com

******************************

with that, april will be over. where does the time go?
my weekends are pretty much booked until mid-june. may is full: mothers day, memorial day, and two weekends set aside for 'someone special'...
the first weekend in june is gay-days at disney world. yep, we are going! just in case you're interested: www.gaydays.com
oh, and my cousin (near pittsburgh) is getting married in late june, and it is presumed by all, that i will attend.

later,
~luv

song lyric of the day: "ticking away the moments that make up a dull day. fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way. kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown. waiting for someone or something to show you the way."

random thoughts....

2005-04-07T05:41:00.000-05:00

........

*************************************************

it's official, on march 25, 2005 Ava Ryan was born! weighing in at 7lbs 12oz and as her proud daddy says "with a hint of strawberry blonde hair". Congratulations James & Adrienne!!! i am so happy for you both!
she is beautiful!!! if you want to see pictures, email either me or gus.
does this mean that the gus-man has resigned himself to 'the family life'?
no more Idle Time?
inquiring fans need to know! :)

*************************************************

last night we had dinner at longhorn's with the guys. they are really over the top. the topic of conversation was "hot carl's" & "hot carl's under glass". if you don't know what a hot carl is, then you might want to 'google' it, as i am not explaining that one. i am not into the 'carl' stuff, but you know what they say...YKIOK,IJNMK Your Kink is OK, It's Just Not My Kink...
anyhow, it was a truly entertaining evening (not to mention informative).

*************************************************

one of boo's friends has invited me to go with her & her girlfriend to a fetish club. this is going to be interesting. i have heard about these clubs, but i have never been to one. stay tuned for updates on this one!

************************************************

gold update....
my gold is still in lockdown at GM. but apparently i have managed to draw the attention of some gold fans. someone posted a comment to my rant concerning gold. he (i am assuming it is a 'he'), even went as far as to suggest that i don't need to gamble. HA! he obviously doesn't know me! :)
seriously, what else is there to do with digital gold?

***********************************************

weekend plans?
well, i was supposed to drive to melbourne for some fun this weekend, but i think i may postpone that til the end of the month. instead, i am going to the gaybar-gaybar for updates on how the 'hot carl date' went....yuk!

next weekend, my 4th ex-husband is supposed to drive down to help begin repairs on my house.

God, i am really running outta stuff to say when i begin talking about ex-husbands....

'nuff for now....
~Luv

song lyric of the day (for Ava): "lovely girl you're the beauty in my world"
(it's the only appropriate line from that song that i could come up with)

i'll take "things you shouldn't do when you're hungover" for $1000, alex

2005-04-04T06:22:00.000-05:00

i am always saying that i don't have a life.
that i need to 'get a life'.
well, i think it snuck up on me. i have come to realize i do have a life. a rather busy one at that.

it is currently monday morning, 7:00 a.m., and this is the first chance i've had to answer e-mails and blog. good thing my job is so slow right now, i have a chance to rest up before the next weekend!

it all started this past friday morning. the 'thelma & louise' feeling struck me. so, i called my 'thelma' (poo), and told her to pack a bag. at least this time i gave her time to pack.

by 1:00, we were on the highway. we drove down to hollywood to the seminole reservation. we stayed at the hard rock casino. of course, she just left a note for her husband...not a good thing. or perhaps having my cell phone with me was not the 'good thing'. he found us just as we were entering the casino. she calmed him down after a few phone calls, and all was good.

the hotel is super! very new, very nice. there are lots of stores and restaurants and nightclubs. the casino lacks alot, though. not that i am bitter or anything (i lost $300), but it just isn't a "real" casino. the slot machines are all video machines (they don't even have slots, or 'arms'). the poker tables are lame at best. you don't even drink for free while gambling.
we then put on our finest clubbing clothes and went out to the clubs in the resort. really nice clubs! we found one, where ladies drink for free til midnight....WAHOO!!! however, if you want to sit down, in that particular club, you have to buy a $200 bottle of booze. we stayed there until we couldn't stand any longer!
all in all, it is a really nice resort, and we will most likely return.

saturday morning, we woke up and went back to the casino. i recouped some of my losses, not nearly enough, but some.
we left the hard rock around 1:00, and made it to west palm by 2:00. poo had coerced me into going for jeopardy try-outs that were being held that day. yep, i'm a loser. didn't weird al do a song (about a zillion years ago) called 'i lost on jeopardy'? anyhow, i missed it by one freakin' question! never, ever try out for a game show with a pounding hangover! ok, in all fairness, even stone sober, i would have missed the question. i don't know nuthin' 'bout no stoopid muppets. let's see, i know kermit & miss piggy. but who in the hell is dr. bunsen honeydew??? ah well, it was fun.
i did play against opponents and won my round. i got some sort of time-life book of the greatest pictures of all time, or something like that.
poo wasn't being unselfish in her quest for my jeopardy appearance. she only wanted me to win, so we would get a trip to LA, so she could go on 'the price is right'.
she is a 'price is right' junkie. no one is allowed to call or come over between 11 & 12 every weekday. she gets pretty pissed if you interrupt her bob barker hour.

on to sunday morning....
my phone rings early, it is my favorite hairstylist. he wants to make sure that we are still going to 'pridefest'. we had promised him earlier in the week, that we would go with him.
so, we get dressed and we're off again.
this was my first venture into a pridefest type thing. we were too late for the parade, but it was still alot of fun. there were nearly 10,000 people there. quite a diverse crowd. the master of ceremonies was our local weatherman. we love him! of course we all ready knew he was gay (my hairstylist told us), but we didn't realize how 'out there' he was! there were lots of drag shows. and my hairstylist even performed as a backup dancer in one of the shows. (pictures --> http://photos.yahoo.com/lr772) i even got my picture taken with tina turner...errr, a tina turner with a penis, that is!
poo took home dozens of the free condoms, and i took home a nice sunburn.

later that night, we went to have dinner at a local mexican joint.
got home by 9, in bed by 10. what a crazy weekend!

boo arrived home safely from his trip to NYC late sunday night. he and his friends took a 4 day weekend to see some shows and do some shopping.
he always brings me back a nice souvenir. this time he brought me porn.
it is a video of women doing it 'in the rear'. he bought it in chinatown. he asked one of the chinese men for a movie on bondage. apparently the chinese fellow didn't speak english too well and thought boo asked for big dix. i guess if you say bondage with a strong chinese accent, it would sound like big dix...?
well, boo was too embarrassed to re-ask, so i have a girls-getting-it-in-the-rear-with-big-dicks movie.
i hope it is better quality than "black at the ranch".....hee hee hee!

**************************************

my friend oz sent me this:

ATLANTIC BASIN SEASONAL HURRICANE FORECAST FOR 2005

Issue Date Forecast Parameter and 1950-2000 3 December 1 April
Climatology (in parentheses)
2004 vs 2005
Named Storms (NS) 2004 - 11 2005 - 13
Named Storm Days (NSD) 2004 - 55 2005 - 65
Hurricanes (H) 2004 - 6 2005 - 7
Hurricane Days (HD) 2004 - 25 2005 - 35
Intense Hurricanes (IH) 2004 - 3 2005 - 3
Intense Hurricane Days (IHD) 2004- 6 2005 - 7
Net Tropical Cyclone Activity (NTC) 2004- 115 2005 - 135

Full details athttp://hurricane.atmos.colostate.edu/forecasts/2005/april2005/

i don't think i can go through this again....
guess i'd better invest in that generator soon....
UGH!!!

later
~Luv

song lyric of the day: "shake it, shake it. shake it like a polaroid picture."

whew!

2005-03-30T07:23:00.000-05:00

school finished up on monday, with our exam.
poo & i both passed our test! WAHOO!!!! now, on to studying for our state licensing exam...ugh!
i'm glad it's over, and i am happy we took the course.
don't know yet where it will lead us.....

we went to dinner at longhorn's again last night. we go there so often, they know us by name now! we eat there at least twice a week, and often times 3 or 4 times/week.
hey! remember, i am on the no-carb diet, so i can eat all the steak i want!!!
anyhow, we ran into the 'guys' last night. we are trying to settle on a date for our trip to new orleans. seems their schedule is full until memorial day. but, i may be working (yes, in real estate) in may....so....who knows? maybe i will settle for a quick trip to key west.

boo & the guys leave for NYC this thursday for a 4 day weekend trip. i am envious! but they have alot of tickets to broadway shows, and lotsa money to shop with. so, i am certain they will have a great time.

for poo's Easter gift, i paid for her to have her hair done by my favorite stylist. btw, it looks fabulous!
anyhow, he invited us to go to Pride-fest this weekend, in lake worth. i'm looking forward to it. it promises to be alot of fun. i know, i know...i am never going to find a man, being a fag-hag (when they aren't calling me milf, they call me fag-hag). but at least i'm having fun!

not much else to say today. just wanted everyone to know that i am still alive & kickin'...

oh yeah....i am still waiting to hear the "official" announcement of gus-man's baby girl, Ava...she was born march 25th...

and, no resolve to my foundering gold issues yet. i did receive a letter from geoff turk, but it wasn't helpful...go figure!

more later....
~Luv

song lyric of the day: "too high, can’t come down. losing my head. spinning round and round. do you feel me now?"

digital currency loop

2005-03-26T09:31:00.000-05:00

this weekend the gold casino (TGC) is having another contest, where i could possibly win some gold.

can i play??? NO!!!!
*all right, i admit, i should actually be studying for my exam, but i need some distraction*

apparently, if you refuse to use e-gold, you can't play.
i don't want to use e-gold. you may think that i am bitter that dj used me, cheated on me, and broke my ribs, but it goes deeper than that.
i could name more than enough reason's, such as bankruptcy, misappropriation, and illegal activities.
suffice it to say, imo e-gold is not stable enough for my gold.

soooo, i go to goldmoney. you all ready know that twisted tale. http://runningblind.blogspot.com/2005/03/gold-rant.html

next step? i contact TGC, asking how to fund my account with GM. they were very helpful, and understanding (and from what i hear, pretty amused at my calling doug ODCface!). however, their hands are proverbially tied. GM doesn't play well with others.
TGC suggested that i open an account with pecunix, and convert GM to pecunix, then fund TGC with that.

i open a pecunix account. i open yet another TGC account. ok, ready to play!
not!
GM doesn't play well with pecunix either!
the following is the e-mail i received from pecunix regarding how to fund my account with GM:

"Hi
Thank you for your e-mail.You would go through a PREO.
Try asking Vlad at info@e-forexgold.com
Regards,
Pecunix Customer Services

===========================================
--- Message at 2005-03-25 13:42:35 UTC ---
how do i fund my pecunix account with GoldMoney?
=======================================

ok, lets get this straight.....
i buy gold through goldmoney.
wait three months to be able to spend said gold.
open a pecunix account.
open a forexgold account.
move the gold from GM to pecunix.
move the pecunix to forexgold.
move the forexgold to TGC.
*btw, i haven't even looked at forexgold.com yet, so there is most likely more hoops that i need to jump through.*

in a final desperate attempt, i contacted goldmoney, once again:
letter from me:
hi,
how can i fund my tgc account with goldmoney?
thank you!

reply from the geniuses of goldmoney:
Support replies,
We do not follow the nature of your query.

Funding anything other than a bank account in yourname with GoldMoney sales proceeds is not currently offered.
Whilst you may use the services of a cambio such as Cambist.net to transfer goldgrams into other e-goldfirms, we are not familiar with tgc or what your proposal is.
Sincerely,
GoldMoney Support

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we do not follow the nature of your query????
brilliant!
and yes, they are suggesting another hoop to jump through.

meanwhile, no gambling for me.

the rant continues...
~Luv

song lyric of the day: "your words walk right through my ears. presuming i like what i hear. and now i'm stuck in the web you're spinning."

hell froze over

2005-03-22T06:40:00.000-05:00

yep, that's right. i never thought i'd ever be writing this story....
the consummate bachelor.
mr. playa-never-settling-down.
a man whose dating nightmare stories rival mine!
HA!

my dear friend, Ken and his wonderful wife Cherri are the very proud parents of a beautiful baby boy.
born march 12th (which happens to be my boo's birthday!), weighing in at 6 lbs 4 oz, Brice Collyn.
i am ecstatically happy for them! if you want pictures, e-mail me or ken.
Ken, i wish you and your family a lifetime of love, happiness and serenity. i can't wait to see you all again! keep the pics coming!

as i seem to be the stork messenger, i should also add, i am waiting word from Gus-man on the announcement of his second blessed event. i believe sometime in april....

God, i'm feeling old. my baby just turned 19.
speaking of which....
we (boo's friends, poo, and i) planned and executed the perfect surprise party for him on the 12th.
we had a small intimate party at our friends home, then went to the gay bar-gay bar. it was completely decorated in pink & white balloons and streamers. they went all out for us. i will be posting the pic's later today (http://photos.yahoo.com/lr772)
it was a great party.

i'm still suffering from lack of sleep and brain mush. this is my final week of school. and, my freaking icp is broken AGAIN. so, i spend all day crawling around inside that stoopid instrument trying to fix it, and all night trying to digest a bazillion calculations.
after my test next week, i may (emphasis on may), be able to think and function again.

*oh, by the way (gotta write this while i'm thinking of it), nice lady....i got your message on my answering machine. i am in school until 11:00 p.m. if you want to talk, call my cell between 6:00 a.m. & 3:00 p.m. i miss you too!*

speaking of school, last night, my teacher asked me to go to lunch with him this week. this can't be a good sign.
i am guessing that he is going to tell me that i should save my money and not even bother to take the state exam. he obviously doesn't see the brilliance hiding behind this innocent demeanor *cough cough, choke choke, snort, gag, chuckle*
ok, in my defense, i am living on 4 hours of sleep/day. and by the time 9:00 p.m. rolls around, and i realize that i still have 1 or 2 more hours of class to go - my brain seizes.

here is a typical classroom exchange:
teacher: question 477. L, what is the amount of principal paid in the 145th month of a 30 year mortgage of $734,983 at 6% interest, using a VA loan, and the family has 18 kids, a dog and an iguana that shits on the son's bed?
L: um. what number are we on?
T: 477
L: a!
T: a? can anyone help L?
(this is when poo begins giggling and calling me "Nell")
L: b?
L: no, c!
T: that's right, the answer is D. D as in dumbass.

and poo is no help. she sleeps until noon (advantages of being unemployed), reads her book all day long. she is the freaking rainman of calculating mortgages! and me....well i am just the "nell" of real estate.

well, it'll all be over by this time next week...and i can finally sleep again! you know how much i value my sleep. i divorced husband #3 because he wouldn't let me sleep....

****************************
ok, some random thoughts before i open the damn books again....

last weekend, poo & i went to the gaybar-gaybar for the amateur stripper show. my hairstylist came in second place! i am posting his pic as well. damn, if he was only 5 years younger and straight....

GoldMoney update....
well, they FINALLY released my gold, to allow me to spend it. oh, but it doesn't end there, no....
even though it is stated on the gold casino's site, that you can use GM, you really can't.
apparently james turk has issues with gambling. bastard.
ALL I WANNA DO IS GAMBLE SOME OF MY HARD EARNED (?) MONEY AWAY!!!!!

ok, other than my personal vendetta against doug jackson, here is a valid reason why goldmoney is superior to e-gold (which isn't saying much at this point):
http://www.financialcryptography.com/mt/archives/000173.html
rock and a hard place, eh?

btw, i personally recommend this site for any and all of your digital currency questions. i have much respect for this man (and i can say that about very few men).

*crawls away bashing hand into forehead....*

~Luv

song lyric of the day (for Brice):
"here's to you my little one, with blessings from above. let the day begin"

Gold Rant

2005-03-17T09:36:00.000-05:00

ok, i am going to get this off my chest.
trying to support digital currencies is impossible!

don't get me wrong, i believe that the underlying premise of a gold-backed currency is the way to go.
but how freaking difficult are the 'major players' in this gold-game gonna make it???

if you have read any of my previous posts, you all ready know why i don't trust e-gold.com, so i won't slam them again (today).

my other choice? goldmoney.com
goldmoney was founded by james turk, who supposedly is the genius behind gold-backed digital currency. he has patents, papers, and even a book.
but that isn't why i like him so well. i like james because he is the arch enemy of doug jackson. (yes, i am still bitter)

after checking out his site, i decided to open an account. it seemed so much easier than e-gold. with GM, you can deposit funds directly into your account from your checking/savings account. this means that you needn't go through third-party market-makers.

the following is the time line of my frustrations:

Jan 13, 2005
opened my account. followed every direction. gave detailed info of my checking account. called the special number given, to give 'verbal confirmation'.
i then received an e-mail stating, in part:
"Upon receipt of your funds, the goldgrams you purchased will be added to your Holding. You can confirm receipt of the goldgrams by logging into your holding."

VOILA!!! the money was immediately taken from my checking account! wow, that was easy!

Jan 18, 2005
after waiting 5 days to be able to spend my brand new gold...i contacted GM. "is there something else that i need to do to receive my gold?" <--- trying to be polite.

GM's reply?

"It usually takes one business day to complete your order if you place your goldgram order before 1 p.m. Eastern US time, or two business days if ordered after 1 p.m.
Therefore, you should be receiving your goldgrams later today (tuesday)."

ok, this was more than one or two days, but i let that slide.

*btw, this is not posted ANYWHERE on goldmoney.com*

Jan 24, 2005
in a letter to GM, i asked (still trying to be polite), "what do i have to do to spend my gg? i have gold in my account, and cannot spend it."

turk's reply:
"when you buy goldgrams with an electronic debit from your bank account, the goldgrams are not available immediately for spending. GoldGrams purchased by electronic check are locked in your Holding for up to 90 days after purchase (lock phase)... The lock phase may be shortened once your written confirmation and a voided check have been submitted to GM, and your holding has been cap-verified.
You will receive a form in the mail that you need to sign and return along with a voided check from your bank account. Once we receive those from you in the mail, we will make the goldgrams available to you for spending..."

ok, ok...90 days....that really sucks.

i received their paperwork in february and sent it off Feb 13th.

*all the while i am missing out on vital gold casino gambling and contests
:(

March 8, 2005

irritated, i send this note:
"have you even received my paperwork that i sent?"

reply:
"we have not yet received your details but will contact you as soon as we do."

UGH!

March 16, 2005
"thank you for sending us your documentation to verify your identy....blah blah blah.....
Your holding has been upgraded to cap-verified status. You now have unrestricted use of the funds in your holding.
YOUR DEBIT AUTHORISATION WILL BE DEALT WITH SEPARATELY."

thank you for being screwed by GM <---- i didn't even get a 'reach-around' on this one!
so, to make a long story even longer....
I STILL CAN'T USE MY GOLD!!!!

where do i go from here?
back to the crooks at e-gold? i don't think so!

rant over....

*******************************************

other than my gold fiasco, life is busy these days.
still working and going to school at night. the good news is, i only have 4 or 5 more classes left.

we had a great surprise birthday party for Boo, this past weekend. we even had the gay bar, gay bar all decorated in pink and white balloons! i will try to get details and pics up for you as soon as i can function again....
the gay bar, gay bar is having an amature stripper night, this friday...i gotta get some "ones" and go!

later,
~Luv

song lyric of the day:
"all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away, again"

brain stew

2005-03-02T14:44:00.000-05:00

what do you get when you mix a full time job with school?
brain atrophy.

i began my real estate school this week.
this is my day:
get up at 4:20 a.m.
get to work by 6:00 a.m. <-- *if* i am lucky. because since the hurricanes wiped out the road i normally took to work, i have to take US1 now. I HATE US1!!!!
work until 3:00 p.m.
get home by 4:00 p.m. (again, if i am lucky cause of fucking US1)
leave for class at 4:45 p.m.
in class until 10:30 p.m.
home by 11:00 p.m. (by that time US1 is pretty quiet...all of the old folks are in bed)

multiply this by 3x per week, and factor in my advanced age.....VOILA!
brain death.

it's probably pretty obvious why i am taking the class.
i have been trying to get out of lab work for about 8 years now.
and now it seems as though there may not be a lab left here soon.
my ICP had a major meltdown this week.
water leaked in from the roof directly into my high voltage and electronics sections of the ICP. i won't have the instrument repaired until they fix the roof.
so, my lab is basically at a standstill.
which, fortunately allows me plenty of time for studying.

in addition to the broken ICP, there is citrus canker running rampant throughout our area now. most major groves are under quarentine, or being burned.

no citrus groves = no work for me.

ok, on to happier thoughts

******************

vacation alert!

we...the 'boys' and i (and poo, of course), are planning our next vacation.
i think we are venturing to las vegas in september.
*can you tell that i live for vacations?*

anyhow, the guys go to vegas often, and have invited us.
i have never been there so i am excited.
i doubt that i will be able to wait until september for my next adventure, though.
i am thinking of taking off for a long weekend in new orleans, right after i finish school this month.
then again, there is always key west!

*famous key west story*

last may (right after i broke up with doug, for the first time), poo and i were on our way to palm beach for lunch and shopping.
it was the saturday of 'mothers day weekend'.
as we were headed down I95, the radio DJ announced that he was 'outta here for the weekend', he was going to key west.
i kinda sighed, and said, "awww, i wish we were going to key west."
without another thought, poo left I95, turned south on the turnpike, and 4 hours later we were at mile marker 1.
since we were dressed in our designer-shopping-in-palm-beach-clothes, and had no toiletries, we stopped at a wretched k-mart on islamorada. we bought horrible clothes and changed in the restroom of a burger king.
she called her husband from mile marker 22, and told him we probably wouldn't make it home from our "luncheon".
of course, he was livid, but he got over it.

poo and i had the time of our life. we drank tropical orgasms at mallory square watching the sunset.
we had dinner at a place called 'the naked lunch'.....the food sucked, but it was a clothing-optional restaurant.
then, we found a clothing-optional bar.
it was crazy! there is a man who does body painting. we had our breasts painted and walked all over the place topless!
mine actually looked enough like a bikini that i could walk in public without being arrested (and i did).
turns out that we were only in key west for sixteen hours, our hotel room for 4 hours. so we apparently drank for 12 hours.....WHEW!

ahhhh, memories....

enough for now...i have to study.

~Luv

song lyric of the day: "december promise you made unto me. december whispers treachery."

re-entry

2005-02-26T09:57:00.000-05:00

ok ok
i hear you.
i know you want to know about the cruise. i have been so freaking busy since returning, i haven't had the time to blog.
anyone who knows EPA stuff (hi to my friend in alabama!), knows what a pain in the ass their paperwork is. and, march 1st is the due date for 3 of my major yearly reports. naturally, i waited until after the cruise to begin them....YUK!

the cruise was fabulous!
our first day on board was kinda rough seas, so we didn't do much. but by the time we docked in nassau, the seas were calm.
we shopped all day in nassau. believe it or not, i was all shopped out. i didn't buy anything.
in fact, i spent most of my cruise in the various casino's. i love casinos!!!

no, i didn't find any non-gay-male companionship/romance on the ship. oh well...
still had a great time.

the diet suffered only a slight setback. i gained about 8 pounds on the cruise, but have lost 4 of it all ready. we never even thought about our diets onboard. we ate every carb known to man. we ate like hostages! so, considering that, i don't think 8 pounds was a terrible price to pay!

here is a link to our pictures, if you'd like to take a peek:
http://photos.yahoo.com/lr772

sorry, no bikini pics. we only sunbathed once, and as it was on the 'topless' deck, no cameras were allowed.

more later...
~L

song lyric that i sang on the ship (much to the discomfort of my shipmates):
"you got your hair permed. you got your red dress on. screamin' that second gear was such a turn on. now the fog on my window tells me that the morning's here and you'll be gone before too long. who taught you those new tricks? damn, i shouldn't start that talk. but life is one big question when you're staring at the clock. and the answer so is waiting at the liquor store.
40 ounces to freedom, so i'll take that walk....and i know that oh, i'm not goin' back...."

ray of light

2005-02-15T07:01:00.000-05:00

Question:
how do you know when you are "officially" over someone? someone who you thought was your everything?
Answer:
when you start seeing men again.
i don't mean seeing, as in dating. i mean seeing, as in noticing them. i'm not talking about the really hot mailman, whom everyone on our street drools over. men like that are noticed all the time.
i am talking about your standard, everyday, "normal" man. you notice him and think, "hmmm, he's not bad looking. wonder if he's single."

yep, i made it!
i am ready to dive right back into the dating pool again. albeit, a little more jaded, a little more cautious.
of course, here in south florida, the dating pool is pretty empty. there is a saying here that all of the men are 'nearly dead or newly wed'.
maybe i should expand my horizons?

well, that was my startling revelation for today. on to a more shallow subject....

************
CRUISE WATCH....T-3 days

i am FINALLY finished shopping! i have everything (hopefully) that i will need. i have enough shoes to make imelda marcos envious - the names are like a list of "who's who" in the shoe-world; i have Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahnik, and Burberry. the dresses are just as impressive, BCBG, Armani, Lilly Pulitzer. i won't even list the purses, make-up, or jewelry.

my tan is near perfect. my diet is incredible. so incredible, in fact, that some of the clothes that i had initially bought for the cruise is too large now.
tonight, dinner with the guys we are cruising with (for last minute stuff), tomorrow i get my nails done and thursday my hair.

***********************

i have figured out some of the reasons why i love gay men so much:
1. they know why you can't possibly go on a 3 day cruise with less than 3 pieces of luggage each.
2. they know the significance of "bloomingdales 15% off sale".
3. they know who jimmy choo & manolo blahnik are.
4. when talking about the 'miami heat' being on the cruise with us, one replied, "oh, i don't know too much about baseball."
5. they don't judge you, when you tell them your sexual kinks. in fact, they compare with you.

i probably won't be blogging again until after the cruise....

~Luv

song lyric of the day:
"love is a bird, she needs to fly. let all the hurt inside of you die."

waiting for the other shoe to drop

2005-02-09T06:29:00.000-05:00

they say that bad news comes in threes.
in the past two days, i have had two.
now i am waiting for the third.

on monday, i got the news that someone very close to me (she doesn't want anyone to know, so i will keep her anonymous - but she is a family member) has breast cancer. this news, in and of itself is very devastating. but it also serves as a reminder that i will succumb to cancer someday. every woman on my mothers side of the family either has it, had it, or died from it. of course, i have had my share of surgeries. but i have never had to deal with radiation. yet.

last night, poo & i went out for dinner. we had just ordered, and gotten our drinks when my cell phone rang. it was poo's husband. he wrecked his motorcycle. we left immediately.
by the time we got home, he was in shock. they left for the hospital around 8:00 p.m.
they got home at 3:30 a.m. hospital emergency rooms suck. he has a broken arm, and possibly needs orthopedic surgery. he is relatively lucky, as it could've been much worse.

so, here i am. nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop. what will the third 'bad thing' be?
i don't even want to speculate.

this past friday poo, her husband and i drove to atlanta for a whirlwind trip. every year we drive up to have 'fat bastard' do our tax returns for us.
fat bastard is pretty much the "rainman" of taxes. he is old, overweight, and horribly perverted and obscene, but he knows the tax laws like no one else.
the good news is, with all of our hurricane damages, we get back everything that we paid in last year. we also have a $35,000 credit on next years taxes.
after seeing conyers again, especially in the dead of winter, i am so happy that we moved away from there. the place is so damn depressing and ugly.

ok, i am going to try to move on to happier thoughts...

************************

CRUISE WATCH.....T-9 days

yes, nine days until we set sail. our diets are coming along fine. in fact, most of our clothes don't fit anymore. pity. just means we will have to shop more!
this weekend, we are headed to bloomingdales for last-minute items.

i bought another new bikini for the cruise. it is all white. i bought it online, and the description stated that it was fully lined. well, descriptions can be deceiving. it is pretty transparent even before getting wet. it's a shame that i chickened out on that brazilian wax. oh well, who's gonna care? i am going on a cruise with eight gay men and my daughter.

we ran into the rest of our cruise-mates last night at dinner. everyone is so excited! oh, and they made us promise to go to the gay bar, gay bar this saturday night...they miss us!

we have been diligently tanning every day. i think we are finally at the point where we won't burn once we are in the sun.
*note to oz....no, my ass is not striped anymore! i turn while i am in the tanning bed!* :)

ok, enough for today. i am going to go and wait for the other falling shoe....

~Luv

song lyric of the day: "hazing clouds rain on my head. empty thoughts fill my ears. find my shade by the moonlight. why my thoughts aren't so clear."

no excuses

2005-02-01T06:26:00.000-05:00

february 2nd.
it is, without a doubt, the one day of the year that is the birthday of more people that i know.
a dear friend....happy birthday Ally-Cat!!!
also, my most favorite aunt, my ex-brother-in-law, my ex boyfriend, to name a few others.

it is also the birthday of my best friend. Cheryl.
cheryl and i met in high school. we were both social outcasts. i was the poor little rich girl. i refused to conform to the rules, and rarely showed up for classes. i didn't care what anyone thought of me and i had very few friends. she was the harley-ridin'-wear-only-harley-shirts tough girl. she was outspoken and seemingly a loner.
we were in a family economics class together. a class project was to emulate a marriage, to learn about budgets, children and whatever. after the entire class had chosen their 'mates', the only two left were cheryl and i. nobody wanted us as a partner. so, the teacher put us together, as 'roommates'. what a pair we made. i dressed in only designer clothes (she used to make fun of all of the gold lame that i wore), and she proclaimed that we could be roomies, if she could park her harley in the living room.
we became friends fast. what a pair we made. we hung out on the weekends, closing down hank's tavern every friday and saturday night. yes, we were only 16/17 years old, but hank's was a shithole and no one ever bothered to card us. i can still hear us singing "carry on" to the top of our lungs.
every saturday morning, she would pick me up, and we would drag our hungover asses into massillon. there was a crappy little italian restaurant named "menchenelli's". for $1.99, we could get a giant plate of spaghetti (for $0.25 more, meatballs too). we were usually paying with pennies, counting them out on the table. we'd then go home and sleep all afternoon, then be back at hank's that night.
we went to dozens of concerts together. she could easily hide six cans of beer in her leather jacket, and get them into the concert for us.
there was one night when we were headed to the bar, in her broken down vw bug that had no tail lights. it was a blinding snowstorm, but we went anyhow. she had me sit in the back seat, and light her zippo in the back window to make up for our lack of tail lights.
we made all sorts of plans together. after graduation, we were going to travel the world. we knew that there was a better life outside of dalton, ohio. and we were gonna find it.
after graduation, cheryl went to broadcasting school in cleveland. i got married and pregnant.
cheryl lived our dream. she lived in london, germany, australia, new zealand, fiji and all over the united states. i would get a postcard from her sporadically. when she came home for visits, it was like she had never left. our friendship never lagged. on one of her visits home, we were at the bar, naturally, and i told her how i envied her life. and how i wish i would have gone with her. she started crying. she envied my life. i had two beautiful babies. i was in college. i had stability and love. so i guess, no one has the 'perfect' life. you make what happiness you can.
she was there for my weddings, the birth of my children, my divorces. she hated my second husband. he had forbidden me to associate with any of my friends. she wouldn't hear of it. she didn't care what he said, she would show up regardless of what he said. she also had him arrested many times when he would beat me up. it was her strength that helped me through that chapter in my life.
about three years had gone by with no word from cheryl. i finally wrote to her mother to see where she was. the next week, cheryl called me. cheryl finally landed in washington dc. she was working for an airline. she found the love of her life. as it happened, my husband, at that time, was also working for an airline. we could finally travel together and do everything that we had dreamed of so many years before.
on a spur of the moment decision, i flew up to dc that next weekend. it was just like old times. everything was perfect. she showed me all of dc. we were just like school girls again.
she was also excitedly planning her trip to south africa in two weeks. she had won the trip in a contest at work. she had to renew her passport, she was packing. i was so excited and envious of her.
we said our goodbyes that sunday at the airport. we had so many plans for when she returned from her trip.
three weeks later. i got a phone call from an old friend in dalton. he said that cheryl was dead. i called him a liar. she isn't dead, she's in south africa. i just saw her.
i was the last one from dalton (including her mom) to ever see her.
her plane landed safely in south africa, but the taxi from the airport wrecked. she died instantly.
i can only take comfort in the fact that she died doing what she loved most.
i don't remember what day (or even what year) that she died on. i don't want to remember. i think it was september, 1993. i remember the cheryl that lives in my heart and memories. i remember her birthday.
tomorrow, February 2, 2005, she would turn 43. God, i miss her.

~Luv

song lyric of the day: "you my friend, i will defend. and if we change, well i love you anyway."

valentines day rant

2005-01-28T07:54:00.000-05:00

everywhere i look i see valentines day crap. i am being bombarded with it! what a stupid day. hallmark invented this delusional holiday just to sell crap. "if you love her/him, spend lots of money and effort to show them"....UGH!

ok, i may be a little bitter. last valentines day, ODCface got me a gold chain with a lobster pendant on it. the lobster signified that we would be together forever.
*sidenote here...on an old episode of 'friends', phoebe proclaimed that lobsters mate for life.*
the card that came with my lobster was signed "you complete me. forever, your doug".
forever? not quite. only if forever meant until i found out about his other girlfriends. or until his wife found out about me.

so i am thinking. i have no lobster this year. no prospects of finding my lobster. my lobster was probably never even born. i have come to terms with this. i am doing just fine on my own.

but i need to rid myself of the bitterness that i hold onto from ODCface. everyone says to find the good that came from any relationship, forget the bad. how do you forget the 'bad' when the entire relationship was lies? i wasn't his lobster. i didn't complete him. if i *did* complete him, why did he need a wife and six other girlfriends?

what did i get from sixteen months of lies? well, lets add this up....
i did discover my sexual 'kinks' with him. at least with that knowledge, i know what i do need in a partner.
he did pay for my eye surgery, so i have a lifetime of good eyesight.
he did give me pearls, that i promptly exchanged for diamonds. and i really do like diamonds.
he did pay for my emergency plane ticket to pennsylvania when my aunt died.
he did take me on business trips with him, which was fun (i love to travel).
he did try to get me hired on at omnipay/e-gold with a much better income (but that failed).
he did give me money after the hurricanes, to get back on my feet again.
he did buy me numerous books. ok, they were all bondage related, but the good intention was there.
he did trust me with all of the dirty little secrets of e-gold, and just how corrupt they are.
he did teach me to never ever trust a man again.
he did teach me to never fall in love again.
he did teach me that true love, true romantic love, doesn't exist.

ok, i guess i am still bitter.
i am still hurting.

and fucking hallmark and their valentines day shit, well, they just plain suck.

rant over.
luv

song lyric of the day:
"i push my fingers into my eyes. it's the only thing that slowly stops the ache."

roses

2005-01-25T07:38:00.000-05:00

i woke up (at 3:30) this morning with a pleasant surprise. sitting beside my coffee pot was a single long stemmed red rose. there was a card attached to it. it was from one of Boo's friends. she wrote that she wanted to thank me for being "me", and that she felt so loved and so much a part of my family. and that she loved me.

what a thoughtful thing to do. it turned my whole day brighter. i am so fortunate to be surrounded by so much love. sometimes when life is too much to bear, i forget just how lucky i am. it also served to remind me, how doing something so simple, can brighten someones day.

********************

cruise watch....day T-24 and counting....
poo and i went shopping in palm beach this past weekend. we were hoping to crash "the donald's" wedding, but nooooooo....

anyhow, the diet / exercise is really paying off. the last time that i bought a new dress, it was a size 14.
saturday, i was trying on size 8 dresses AND THEY FIT!!!! it helps to see results like this. it keeps us motivated. poo says that we are "sexy bitches". oh, and i even bought a new bikini for the cruise. scarey but true....
i have to add, i also bought my very first pair of "Jimmy Choo" shoes. they are to die for! i currently have them on display in my bedroom.

more major bling for the cruise....
right before he broke my heart for Christmas, old dirty cuntface gave me a strand of pearls. last week i took them back to the store where he got them, and exchanged them for a pair of 1.65 ct diamond earrings. i think that was a fair trade....diamonds for a broken heart. too bad you can't trade misery for some e-gold.

i would like to thank everyone for their responses to my blog. if i didn't think anyone was reading this...well...

song lyric for the day (can you name that tune?):
"if i had a shotgun, know what i'd do? i'd point that shit straight at the sky and shoot heaven on down for you"

~Luv

endings

2005-01-21T07:16:00.000-05:00

why is it so difficult to say goodbye? even if it is for a very good reason?
today i had to fire someone. i hired this kid (who is staying at poo's house), because he really needed a job. he's been here for 2 months now. he comes in and sleeps. he complains that it is too boring here. he does as little as possible. he plays horrible music in the lab (so bad that it makes me seize). and now, i found out last night, he asked poo if there was a good place at work to smoke a joint.
so, i fired him at 5:30 this morning.
i don't feel good about it. but the kid is just plain awful.

other goodbye's that are difficult...
how can you say goodbye to a lover? to a friend? to a family member?
these are all very painful. even if you know they are only a 'goodbye-til-i see-you-again'.
maybe i am being too sensitive, maybe i need to increase my dosage of hormones, who knows?

i guess the firing thing just has me a little bit blue today.

more later, when i am smiling....

luv

oh, it's ON!!!

2005-01-14T19:20:00.000-05:00

SWEET!!!!
booked our cruise today!!! wahoo!

it's 3 nights - feb 18th -21st. from miami to the bahamas. and the really cool thing is...it is also some sort of 'special' thing where the miami heat will also be on the cruise! how cool is that?

i can hear the steel drums all ready :)

meet frances & jeanne

2005-01-14T07:54:00.000-05:00

today, as i am still contemplating my cruise, i thought perhaps i would describe a little bit about this past years hurricanes.
with apologies to ally-cat, i am going to cut and paste my recent letter to her. the reason for this is two-fold: 1) i am too lazy to re-write the whole damn thing, 2) it is still kind of disturbing to re-think the whole ordeal...

************************************
for starters, we got some pretty bad feeder bands from charley.
then on labor day weekend, we were ground zero for frances.
two days prior to frances hitting us, there was no gas to be found, we were out of money and out of food. there was nothing to be found within 100 miles of us. it was like living in a ghost town.

frances lasted 36 hours. non stop, 36 hours. we were walled up in poo's house with all 4 dogs and 5 adults. it was scarey as hell.
we would try to sleep, but something would invaribly crash and waken us. i would immediately roll onto the floor screaming. the scariest thing of all was, we could hear the tornadoes all around us, but we couldn't see them.
then, the eye came. it was so eerie. everything was silent, still. we took the dogs outside to use the bathroom, and it was so eerie. the only thing we could hear was the railroad crossing going off (because it was destroyed - not cause there was a train).
when the eye leaves, the winds go from 0 to 150 mph instantly, so you can't stay outside too long. they even warn you on the radio not to go out in the eye.

the worst part of all is the aftermath. there is nothing. complete devastation. no stop lights. no street signs. no food, gas, money, electricity, water, ice, nothing. it was like living in a third world country.
i went 8 weeks without telephone and several days without electric (the temp was above 90o, it was like living in hell). we had no cold drinks and no hot food. mold was growing on everything, there was nothing dry or clean. bugs came out of no where. we were in shock, walking around scrounging for food, ice and water.
we got some military issued food after about 4 days, and they were the best things ever!

then, 3 weeks and 30 minutes later, jeanne hit.
again, we were ground zero. this time it was a stronger hurricane, but it was alot quicker, only about 12 hours of screaming. my house is made of solid concrete (even my interior walls are poured concrete - not drywall). i was laying on the floor, listening to the tornadoes, and my house began to shake. this storm was so strong, that it tore the plywood off of my windows. the eye for jeanne lasted about 90 minutes, and she was pretty much gone by 7 a.m.

again, the aftermath was more than we could take. after 2 days, we packed up and went to poo's in-laws house across the state.

our houses are still seriously damaged. my roof is still tarped (and still leaks), my foundation is cracked and possibly irreparable, my screened in porch and fence are gone.

fema did nothing to help us. our insurance fucked us. i had an estimated $33,000 in damages, insurance gave me $3800.00. all of the charities that people across the nation give to, the money goes no where. we haven't received anything.

then, i don't know when - as i had lost all concept of time/dates, ivan hit. we got severe flooding from that.
**********************************************************
2004 -----> the year that blew (literally)

cruising

2005-01-13T07:56:00.000-05:00

today all of my thoughts are on my upcoming cruise.
which, is still in the very early planning and may not even go, stages.

boo is taking a cruise with his friends. of course, poo and i want to go along. boo's cruise (i like that rhyme thing!) is being financed by his friends. therefore, poo and i have a dilemma. actually, poo has a double dilemma. she has to 1) convince her husband to let her go without him, and not let him know that she is paying for herself, and 2) actually come up with the cash to go.
of course, my dilemma is only - shall i use the insurance money to repair my destroyed roof? or to take a cruise? hmmmmm, tough choice! for those of you who know me, the answer is obvious!
the cruise is in late february, departing from miami. poo and i have been doing the atkins diet for about a month now. so if we do the cruise, we have to really kick it into high gear. i am going to have to lose at least 20 more pounds before donning a bikini. not to mention another brazilian wax. yikes! i had a brazilian wax done a few months ago. (for those not "up" on their waxing terminology, a brazilian is where they take everything away.) the humiliation is worse than the pain, really. ok, the pain is bad too - really freaking bad. first, she "trims" down there with scissors. then applies this honey-like wax to you in sections. btw, the wax is painfully hot. then she applies linen strips to the burning fucking wax. then....RIIIIIP. it is then repeated over and over again, till she's done. oh, but it doesn't stop there, oh no. then she has you assume the position on your hands and knees, and asks you to pull your 'cheeks' apart, so she can do that area next. now, get this visual. if one is on their hands and knees...how does one spread their cheeks? easy. you have to balance on your fucking head, and not move whilst she rips every single hair off of your ass. no, not done yet. the sadistic bitch then has you lie down and "open wide". she then goes in with a magnifying glass and tweezers to attack any strays. after 90 minutes of this (and $75.00), you are then allowed to leave. sans any hair or dignity.
now, i know i am a true masochist, but this really wasn't sexual at all! (more on my masochistic side later)

but i digress....
back to the cruise. it is only a 3 night cruise to the bahamas, but as i've never been on one it should be fun. especially with the gang we are going with. hmmm, did i mention the 'gang'? well, it is mostly the people from the gay bar that i hang out in. new years eve at the gay bar will be another post!
anyhow, these guys are the greatest, funniest people i know. and it really helps that they call me "milf" (even though, technically speaking, i am not their type). there is so far, about 8-10 of us going. we are trying to talk a few more close friends into coming along.

gay bar? ok, yes i love the "gay bar - gay bar". <----that is a song from my second favorite website: www.rathergood.com . there is a section where these twisted individuals dressed kittens up in viking clothes and have them singing (in a strong english accent) "i want to take you to the gay bar, gay bar..." it's hilarious!
anyhow. long story short....i began this blog "running blind" a few months back when i broke up with my ex boyfriend. he is affectionately called "old dirty cuntface" by my kids. i will just refer to him as "HWSNBN" <---he who shall not be named. or, maybe ODC. (you'll probably be hearing more about him). as i am still recovering from ODC's poison, i am not looking for any other men. as a matter of fact, i am avoiding straight men at all costs! ok, maybe not that stringent, but nonetheless....
of course there are other reasons why we go to the gaybar gaybar....you're just gonna have to wait (or figure them out on your own).

enough for now. i think i am liking this blog thingee...

~L

just me...

2005-01-13T07:06:00.000-05:00

to appease my friend who is the motivation behind my blog (who shall from now on, be referred to as oz), i will attempt to introduce myself. *note to "oz"....let me know (and i know you will) if you don't care for this moniker....i can always change it to "guru"....*

i am just the average run-of-the-mill type woman. i have my likes and dislikes just as everyone else. i am not important, intelligent, profound, beautiful or rich.
my main accomplishment in life has been raising two wonderful kids.
i have never completed anything in my life - never.
i work hard. i play harder. it's all about the 'fun', for me.
i sincerely hope that whomever reads this blog isn't doing so for inspirational words of wisdom. as many (most?) of the things i say, and said with tongue firmly in cheek.
also, if poor grammer/spelling, or sexual/vulgar language offends you, don't read any more. as i tend to write exactly what is on my mind. (and i have a pretty twisted mind)

i have two children. for anonymity i will only go by their nicknames.
"poo" is my oldest. she is one of two of my best friends. she is married and lives directly across the street from me. (someday, i may give the story behind that). poo and i do nearly everything together. and there are no secrets between us.
"boo" is my son. he is still living at home with me, which i am so happy for. he started college this year and is working most of the time. he is my other best friend. we are very close. we are open with each other, and we talk about anything / everything. and he tries to dress me well!

i used to do yearly Christmas newsletters. not the everyday garden variety. more like the "boo-wrecked-my-damn-car, and my-house-is-falling-apart" type newsletters. i stopped doing them two years ago, for various reasons. i am hoping that perhaps this blog will be a suitable substitute.

eventually, i may add some pics, as oz suggested i do. but for now, its just me.

if you are in fact reading this, please post a comment, or e-mail me.

first blog.....

2005-01-12T19:17:00.000-05:00

...that won't be deleted.
my very close friend convinced me to blog.
so i will.
i don't know what to say yet. so stay tuned for more profound thoughts....

~L

i edited this blog (i didn't delete like i normally do) because he wanted no hint to his identity.